The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Like generations of Princeton students before him since the year 1926, Petey Ell ’22, declared via Instagram caption “I wrote a book!” after throwing together a measly 30-page essay over the last three days.
A closer investigation from The Daily PrintsAnything reveals that the essay was in fact only 19 pages in length before Ell added in a 1.5 inch left margin and seven page-long figures.
“This really is my magnum opus. It’s like, I birthed a child! Nine months of dedication and hard labor. Years of work, my entire Princeton career all culminating in this moment,” exclaimed Ell.
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke with Ell’s friends and family and found out that Ell actually switched departments in October of junior year and didn’t figure out a thesis topic until mid February.
Ell’s acknowledgements included a shout out to the Red Bulls and $2 Wawa iced coffees which powered him through the last 25 hours of a “sleepless sprint” to the deadline, as well as a list of friends, half of whom Ell confessed he would probably never speak to again after three months.
Hannah To ’22 is a senior in the economics department who just finished writing a book, and is looking to fill her time by writing other silly little things.
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Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech
Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
Princeton Debate Panel hosts argument preparation for Thanksgiving
Daily PrintsAnything StaffThe Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
The Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
Over half of the Politics department switched majors following the election
Spencer BaumanAn email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
