The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Citing concerns about the one-sidedness of the diversity training for first-year undergraduates, “To Be Known and Heard,” the USG Senate’s new task force on “viewpoint diversity” has recommended a training to promote the other side, titled “To Erase and Silence.”
This anti-antiracist training aims to focus on all of the positive contributions of University members — such as Woodrow Wilson — and advocates for returning to the practice of ignoring racist behaviors of “men of their time,” including behaviors like re-segregating the federal workforce.
This new training would also support a new Center for Viewpoint Diversity, which would “innovatively foster the study of such oppressed disciplines as classics and jurisprudence,” according to the task force’s press release.
Preliminary research has led the group to propose that the University create a new office as an analogue to the Office of Diversity and Inclusion in Campus Life. This new Office of Discrimination, Inequity, and Exclusion would begin the work to create specific “dangerous spaces” for students, in partnership with some of Prospect Avenue’s eating clubs.
In addition, the new University office would provide funding for new student groups that outrightly enforce the status quo. One group might, according to the proposal, be organized to counter student activist efforts such as protests or sit-ins.
“Enough change has happened at this University over the past 276 years,” the proposal states. “It’s time the University also start funding student groups that want to keep things exactly as they are.”
Josiah Gouker is a contributing satire writer, opinion columnist, and a member of the 146th Editorial Board. He can be reached at josiahg@princeton.edu.
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