The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
From 12:34 a.m. to 2:44 a.m. last night, 66 percent of first-year dorm rooms across campus lit up by the intermittent glow of phones and tablets, reminding the Class of 2025 that those same four people who spammed the class as prefrosh are still, somehow, talking in the GroupMe.
Screenshots obtained by The Daily PrintsAnything reveal a steady barrage of asks to borrow screwdrivers, requests for the answer to No. 2 on the problem set, 11th hour pleas for a fourth person to add to their draw group, and proposals to share an Uber to EWR at 4 a.m. tomorrow.
Students briefly considered turning off notifications or leaving the group, but refrained “for old time’s sake.”
At press time, half of the Class of 2025 was cringing at every vibration coming from the nightstand.
Andrew Johnson, Contributing Writer at The Prospect and Staff Writer at Satire, has just changed his profile picture.
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Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech
Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
Princeton Debate Panel hosts argument preparation for Thanksgiving
Daily PrintsAnything StaffThe Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
The Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
Over half of the Politics department switched majors following the election
Spencer BaumanAn email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
