The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
TO: Undergraduate Students
FROM: Dean [REDACTED]
RE: Spring 2022 Semester Campus Life or Something of the Sort
Hey besties,
This memo may (or may not) include information that will harm your mental wellbeing. If you want to know, keep reading, because we’re not going to tell you just yet.
There's not too much new information, so we'll keep this short. Just kidding. It's five pages long.
Classes are in person. For now. We’ll see. Don't be an idiot. Get boosted. Get tested. Wear a mask. Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say!
That's all we need to tell you, but hey, we'll keep writing.
That mental health stuff
Feeling sad?
Have your heart palpitations increased? Do you want concrete improvements to the existing mental health infrastructure?
Your mental health matters, but not to us. That is: we aren't doing any of that “making courses easier” mumbo jumbo because the only thing more valuable than a good night’s sleep is some good ol’ fashioned course rigor. Talk to someone, I guess. Here's a link to CPS. There are no appointments for the next three weeks.
Good Luck,
Dean [REDACTED]
Daniel Viorica is a first-year concentrating in comparative literature and an Associate Satire Editor at the ‘Prince.’ He can be reached at viorica@princeton.edu.
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