The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Students in a 10 a.m. microeconomics precept were left “shocked and appalled” last Friday after discovering their 6′2″ classmate was actually not that hot without a mask on.
For the first several weeks of the semester, Mann Splainer ’23 commanded the attention of his entire 12-student discussion section. Drawn in by Splainer’s nice eyes, flowy hair, and deep vocal register, students attended the ECO 301 precept at a rate never-before-seen within the economics department.
A few students were not entirely discreet about their attraction, referring multiple times to their “demand for whatever he was supplying” and making several remarks about Splainer’s “liquid assets.”
However, the class’s illusion was shattered during their last precept. Pulling down his face covering to take a quick sip of water from his Princeton Varsity Club HydroFlask, Splainer revealed a patchy goatee, an oversized handlebar mustache, a tattoo of cartoon character “Pickle Rick” on his cheek, and a cinematically accurate replica of the “One Ring to rule them all” pierced between his septum.
“I was literally about to ask him to grab a meal,” one student in the precept told The Daily PrintsAnything. “But after yesterday’s precept, I never want to see him actively eating or drinking again.”
As of publication, seven of the precept’s 12 students have switched into the 11 a.m. offering.
Zachary Shevin is a senior struggling to concentrate in the economics department. He previously served as a Managing Editor at the ‘Prince’ and can be reached at zshevin@princeton.edu.
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