The following article is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In light of concerns about grade distributions that unfairly reward scant A’s, Princeton is boldly eradicating the A and A- in favor of 15 levels of B.
Defending the change, Dean of the College Jill Dolan cited a “startling” report showing a .01938 increase in average GPA since the University’s founding in 1746.
“This kind of grade inflation is quite frankly unacceptable. If students wanted to get an A, they should have gone to Harvard,“ she wrote.
The shift is also intended to promote a less competitive environment and reduce academic pressure on students.
“Now you don’t need to worry about getting good grades, because you can’t!” she said.
The B+ will be reserved for select overachieving students. BSE students will be eligible to earn a B pi, worth 3.14, with additional decimal points available in proportion to the collective number of hours they spend completing and complaining about weekly problem sets. All math department grades will be given a 20 percent curve down, but only when the entire class submits the exact same work on a midterm or final exam.
This change is perfectly timed to impact departmental standing, graduate school acceptances, internships, and job applications.
During the meeting — to which ‘Prints’ reporters gained access by holding up an empty red solo cup to the door of Nassau Hall — a top administration official was caught on a hot mic musing to a colleague, “I don’t understand how these students expect to get A grades simply due to their intelligence, creativity, and years of hard work.”
When contacted for comment, Dolan expressed her sincere hope that students embrace the initiative. She also said she wished that the student body enjoyed a slightly above-average holiday break, as opposed to the superior holiday they felt they had earned.
Andrew Johnson is a sophomore contributing writer for Satire and The Prospect from Ridgewood, N.J. eagerly awaiting his 4 B+’s for the fall semester. He can be reached at andrewjj@princeton.edu.
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