The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The Assistant Vice Chair of the Astrophysical Sciences Department spoke a little too freely when she released a memo stating that the Earth rotates around the Sun, according to a statement from the University’s newest debate society, the Princeton Closed Campus Coalition (PCCC).
“It is extremely irresponsible for an educator to promote his personal agenda that everything in the world revolves around the Sun,” said PCCC spokesperson Jane Doe ’22. “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere? This Copernican tyrant wishes to silence all who even question the whole ‘existence of gravity’ narrative.”
“I just don't know how we are supposed to protect the diversity of thought in the free marketplace when titans of academia are unfairly influencing students by expressing their thoughts,” said PCCC member John Smith ’23.
Following his interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, Smith reportedly asked to speak to the manager of the marketplace of ideas.
When The ‘Prints’ asked about the Assistant Vice Chair’s reaction to the controversy, she emphasized that taking a stand on fundamental issues like Earth’s orbit, gravity, and other observable phenomena was “literally my job.”
Smith reiterated his disagreement and warned of a slippery slope.
“They can attempt to hide behind the guise of academia, but we know what world these professors want to create,” Smith said. “If we accept their heliocentric dogma, will they try to indoctrinate us with critical germ theory next?”
Andrew Johnson is a sophomore staff writer for Satire and The Prospect and contributor to the free marketplace of ideas. He can be reached at andrewjj@princeton.edu.
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