The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The University has recently announced that Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) is to be replaced with "a larger, more robust collection of board games."
A University spokesperson shared their views with The Daily PrincetOnion.
"CPS was an interesting experiment in our institution's continual fight against mental health, but the time has come for it to be phased out, making room for exciting new strategies,” the spokesperson said. “Our fervent belief is that the best way to recover from a week-long midterm bender is a nice, relaxing afternoon of Risk.”
Studies show that students are 90 percent more likely to pass their School of Public and International Affairs classes after devoting significant time to Catan, and Ultimate Werewolf was shown to eliminate insomnia entirely.
“Truly, the new path to better mental wellbeing isn't therapy, or even mindfulness,” the spokesperson continued. “It's Yahtzee.”
The transition is ongoing and will be swift. Already, the second floor of McCosh Health Center is being emptied out and replaced with large, pastel-colored “Play Rooms,” each with murals of rainbows and signs reading "Everything is Great! :)".
The 24 hour CPS emergency help line is now re-routed to the Hasbro sales counter. A high score board has been erected in hopes that the program can "decrease stress through friendly competition."
Any student who removes a board game from a 'Play Room' will receive academic probation. Second offenses will lead to expulsion, or harsher consequences on a case-by-case basis, according to the Committee on Discipline.
While institutional responses are resoundingly positive, citing that board games are "cheaper" and "more agreeable" than mental health professionals, students were less enthusiastic. Several plan to boycott the so-called 'Fun and Games Health Initiative.'
One student, Angie Scrabbler ’23, was not enthused.
"CPS has always been helpful to me. What am I supposed to do now, confess my existential dread to a Pictograms partner?" she asked.
Despite these efforts, the University's stance is firm.
"This will be better for all of us in the long run," the spokesperson reiterated. "Keep playing dominoes. Trust me."
When The Daily PrincetOnion reached out to CPS for comment, they were confused and replied: "Wait, what? We're getting fired?"
Daniel Viorica is a writer with Satire and The Prospect, and is from the mountains outside Albuquerque, New Mexico. He can be reached at viorica@princeton.edu.
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