The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue, which you can find in full here. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
In an effort to balance campus safety with student social life, Dean of Undergraduate Students Kathleen Deignan and University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 have teamed up to create an innovative plan — hazmat party suits.
“Student experience is very important in addition to safety, so we’ve decided to implement ‘Micrasuit’ to allow students to ‘get lit’ without compromising social distancing and safety. The style is very in with the youth,” Eisgruber explained in a video announcement.
The University has taken on the endeavor of designing a hazmat-like suit that completely encompasses the student while providing a fully immersive “party experience.”
“The suit is fully equipped with sensory LEDs, speakers, a camera, and a supply compartment that allows easy and hands-free access to drinks and/or vape pods,” said Eisgruber, through the speakers of his own suit while on a Zoom conference.
Each student will be fitted with a personalized suit upon their arrival back on campus in January. During the two-week period of isolated quarantine, the suits will be tailored, and each student will be given an opportunity to test their getup in a party simulation.
Administration declined to comment on how students will be expected to “get down on the dance floor” in the suits.
“I can’t twerk in this!” exclaimed one member of diSiac.
“My body does not feel hype in this,” complained one member of Body Hype.
Each student will also have the ability to customize their suits with patches from their favorite brands to allow for self-expression. Patches will range anywhere from $10 to $500 — the current best seller is a Canada Goose patch.
“We are really trying to prioritize student safety here, but we understand that it is of the utmost importance for the school and the students to maintain the image of individuality,” Eisgruber stated, turning to show off his own Canada Goose patch.
Students seem to be rather skeptical of the idea but are mostly showing intrigue at the possibility of being allowed to “get McCoshed” once again.
Self-proclaimed “Resident Party Animal of Campus Club” Eric Tran ’22 is one of these students stating, “As long as the visor doesn’t fog up when I’m ripping my JUUL, I think it’ll be pretty stylish.”
Some details about the suits still need to be ironed out before student move-in in January, but the University is confident about the success of the suits and hopes that they will become an integral part of University life even after the COVID-19 pandemic settles down.
“Honestly, I was hoping something like this would be implemented before COVID hit. Maybe if we continue using these in the future, the Street wouldn’t look like a ransacked Slip ’N Slide after every weekend,” added Eisgruber.
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Princeton is a serious place. Our 2020 joke issue aims to change that.
Daily Princetonian StaffAmong The Daily Princetonian’s most beloved traditions is our annual joke issue. For the first time ever, we’ve adapted this year’s compendium of satire, humor, and jokes online. We hope you enjoy!
Singer 2020: China should make it happen
Braden FlaxThere is a third option, though, one that the United States has been gracious enough to impart on the rest of the world in the past: foreign intervention.
We need anti-reverse racism training, not anti-racism training
Braden FlaxTo this end, I propose not only that anti-racist training is a grotesque offensive against all we hold dear, but more to the point, I suggest that we substitute our own anti-reverse racism training in its place.
