U. replaces Dinky with giant electric scooter

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

In an effort to “get with the times,” the University has gotten rid of the historic Dinky train, and in its place has constructed a 50-foot-tall electric scooter that will transport students from campus to Princeton Junction and back.

“We’re ‘hip’ and ‘with it,’” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 wrote in an email to The Daily Princetonian. “We’re down with the kids.”

The scooter is long enough to fit around three dozen students at a time, according to new Director of Parking and Transportation Carlton Calvin. However, in keeping with the air of wealth and prestige that the scooters bring to users, the price of Dinky transportation has been raised from three dollars to 300 dollars per trip.

“Now we can actually put some money into NJ Transit,” New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy said before wheeling away on his gold-plated SWAGGER 5 Elite Electric Smart Scooter.

The giant scooter also features coat racks specifically designed to hold the exact weight of Canada Goose jackets, along with “Pod holders,” or “cup holders for your AirPods.”

The University is putting the finishing touches on the construction of the Dinky track to accommodate the scooter. Construction is on a strict schedule, only taking place between the hours of 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. with instructions to make as much noise as possible.

The Dinky track will also be formally renamed “The Scoot Route.”

“Everyone on this project has been trained well,” University spokesperson Ben Chang wrote in an email to the ‘Prince.’ “We’re certain that it won’t go off the rails, and riding it will be a good way for students to blow off steam.”

Inspired by the change at the University, NJ Transit also announced plans to replace all trains throughout the state with electric scooters. The project is slated to be finished in January of 3030, which New Jersey Department of Transportation Commissioner Diane Gutierrez-Scaccetti called “a fast turnaround time for NJ Transit construction.”

The new changes did not go over well with all University students. The replacement prompted student protests around Wawa, with students holding signs that read “electric scooters are the mark of the aristocracy.”

Wawa provided protestors with free hoagies for every hour of picketing.

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Train lover Ivy Truong ’21 also bemoaned the loss of the campus icon of the Dinky, and recently started a GoFundMe to build a new Dinky that could take students from Forbes to the Street and convert Charter Club into a new train station.

Truong serves as the Moscow correspondent for the ‘Prince.’

However, despite the controversy, the Dinky replacement has caused electric scooters to become an integral part of campus culture. Just last week, the Undergraduate Student Government announced that Avril Lavigne would headline Spring 2020 Lawnparties. She will debut her new hit single “Sc00ter Boy” during the performance.