The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!
Last Friday, the University held its first ever “He Bellows” conference celebrating male domination in fields like politics, technology, and the military. Notable alumni guests included U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R) ’92, Google’s Eric Schmidt ’76, and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ’54.
“There was never a men’s liberation movement,” said keynote speaker and alumnus Nee Anderthal. “So we need to be organizing and forging the rights other groups have earned.”
Anderthal graduated from the University with a degree in philosophy.
On Friday, a mediocre crowd of alumni and students filled Prospect House to discuss men’s issues over veal and bluefin tuna filets.
Topics of conversation included the appropriate figure for Google’s exit package payments and schemes for how to reverse reproductive rights in the courts.
“We need to protect the values of the men who wrote the Constitution,” Cruz ’92 said.
One conference attendee spoke up about issues men and women face together.
“People will tell you relationships are about showing the other person that you love them,” alumnus Al Tooreal said. “But no one talks about how relationships work for men who are hateful toward the women in their lives.”
Another “He Bellows” conference attendee was a female undergraduate student.
Cliosophic Party Chair and current junior Abigail Babbel said she wanted to learn more about what #MeToo can learn from men.
“The movement isn’t a pro-women movement,” Babbel told The Daily Princetonian. “Nothing that labels women as victims can be positive for women.”
Read More
Paul Inchauspe’s NCAA singles run ends in Sweet 16
Hayk Yengibaryan and Tate HutchinsAfter reaching the Round of 16 in both the NCAA singles and doubles bracket, sophomore Paul Inchauspe’s NCAA run came to an end in Waco, Texas following defeats in both brackets on Thursday.
After reaching the Round of 16 in both the NCAA singles and doubles bracket, sophomore Paul Inchauspe’s NCAA run came to an end in Waco, Texas following defeats in both brackets on Thursday.
Opposition to weapons divestment referendum takes shape
Annie Rupertus and Miriam WaldvogelAs the vote on USG referenda approach, their opposition is taking shape. This is especially true of the controversial Referendum No. 5, which calls on the University to divest from weapons manufacturers.
As the vote on USG referenda approach, their opposition is taking shape. This is especially true of the controversial Referendum No. 5, which calls on the University to divest from weapons manufacturers.
Play the Friday crossword, ‘Having a Cow’
Claire Kaneshiro and Jessica CurranBlast off into this legend-dairy puzzle by Senior Constructor Claire Kaneshiro and Contributing Constructor Jessica Curran.
Blast off into this legend-dairy puzzle by Senior Constructor Claire Kaneshiro and Contributing Constructor Jessica Curran.
