Mother of Freshman 15-gainer sues Campus Dining

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

Sue Talot, mother of a first-year student, filed a lawsuit against the University Campus Dining on Tuesday, claiming the service of “late meal” inflicted irreparable damage on her daughter, Ella Talot ’22.

“When she came home for winter break, I could barely recognize her. She had gained 20 pounds, and in all the worst areas,” Sue Talot said in a phone interview with The Daily Princetonian.

Tracing the weight gain to late meal was no small feat of investigative prowess on Sue Talot’s part. The evidence, of course, lay with the tired adage “follow the money.”

Records of E. Talot’s University bill were made public by the county clerk’s office, revealing that in addition to the egregious daily consumption of late meal fried edamame dumplings, the first-year had made a $14 purchase of chicken tenders on Friday, Oct. 26, at 2:36 a.m.

Sue Talot was outraged by this late-night snacking (the one and only danger she had advised her daughter to avoid as she entered higher education!), but even more so by her subsequent discoveries.

“How can Princeton so irresponsibly allow our beautiful girls to gorge on waffles, pizza, quesadillas, and worst of all … non-Diet Coke?!” she asked.

The plaintiff explained that as much as she faults her daughter for abandoning the summer “mother-daughter” diet in which she was forced to participate, the blame truly lies with the University.

She even projected this may not be her last legal battle with the University.

“You know, I may just file a second lawsuit,” Sue Talot said. “How could Housing and Real Estate Services place her in 1937 Hall, knowing how close it is to Frist Campus Center?”

Several mothers of female undergraduates in Forbes College are currently drafting a class action lawsuit of a similar nature, according to Forbesian Anne Nex ’22.

“My mom keeps telling me I ‘simply live too close to the Wa’ to live a healthy lifestyle, and when I told her I didn’t choose where I live, she decided to take matters into her own hands,” Nex said.

Get the best of ‘the Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

One of Sue Talot’s personal heroes, Susan Patton, known colloquially as the Princeton Mom, tweeted: “Way to go @sue_goodvibesonly! I wish Ella luck in finding the perfect Princetonian!”

The tweet was followed by a kissy emoji.

According to sources close to E. Talot, who declined to comment, her mother has been pressuring her to pursue a so-called “MRS degree” since the day she was accepted to the University.

Lola Verbaring, one parent involved in the Forbes class action suit, sent the following email statement to the ‘Prince’:

“Our daughters may not realize it now, but any good mother knows that now is the prime time for her to meet her future husband. But sadly, with all these Wawas and late meals and free food, the prospect of attracting one grows dimmer and dimmer. Something must be done!”

If nothing else, Sue Talot explained, she hopes the lawsuit will allow her to gain back the household income lost by her daughter’s inability to acquire a wealthy husband.