Bat séance planned after students sense creature’s aura in Frist Campus Center

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

The bat that invaded Frist Campus Center earlier this semester returned to campus on New Year’s Day to haunt undergraduates preparing for finals. Students reported sensing the bat’s aura upon returning to campus for reading week, especially in and around the McGraw Center for Teaching and Learning on the third floor of Frist. Following numerous requests, Undergraduate Student Government has agreed to host a séance on Thursday night for students who wish to venerate the bat in exchange for good luck on their exams.

Witchee Chick ’19 was not on campus to see the bat, but noted that she “felt it emotionally.”

“It revealed to me not only how to finish my thesis but also universal truth about the human condition and origin of life as we know it,” Chick said.

Connection to the bat varied by student.

Some reported seeing the lights flicker, while others noted gusts of cool air coming from quite assuredly closed windows.

“I was drafting my Dean’s Date paper when I stopped mid sentence and it hit me — metaphysically speaking,” Salem Sistor ’22 said. “It was pretty weird. My Spotify cut out and my computer took me to the Wikipedia page for bats.”

The sheer number of students claiming to feel a bat-like presence drove USG Student Séance Coordinator Gost Hunter ’20 to action.

“The University has been incredibly generous in supporting our spiritual awakening,” Hunter said. “I’m thrilled to announce that we secured the funding to provide each student with their own personal Ouija Board!”

With demand skyrocketing according to the Facebook event, “Hail The Bat or Fail All Your Finals, Drop Out, and Die Alone” the University has decided to move the séance from the basement of Frist to Cannon Green, where students will pay homage to their bat via 40-foot tall papier-mâché shrine.

On Twitter, Grady Deflashun ’21 considered offering up a blood sacrifice to the chiropteran idol.

“Lol just in case it’s one of those thirsty vampire bois idk,” he wrote.

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In response to Deflashun’s concerning tweet, Hunter decided to plan a Safe Séances workshop prior to Thursday’s event to teach students the proper way to commune with bat ghosts.

“We’ve already come so far,” Hunter said. “I didn’t teach myself echolocation and follow the bat diet for a week just to have my séance go up in smoke last minute because some idiot won’t do his blood sacrifices on his own time.”