Oh, God. Is that the time?
You just woke up from a twelve-hour hibernation, and yes, it’s five in the afternoon. You groan, mumble incoherently, and try in vain to wipe the delirium from your eyes.
Before you crawl out of your room and impose yourself on the world, you must make yourself at least semi-presentable. Even if you don’t feel like you have a corporeal form, you should always look like you do.
First, makeup. It has transformative properties, truly, and can twist even the palest, pimpliest face into something worthy of the public. Of course, you’re probably already late for something and don’t have time to achieve that perfect contour. Just focus on the powder; really pack that stuff on, until your face is so caked with it that no one would be able to tell whether you have a nose, let alone circles under your eyes. If you have a faint halo of primer hovering around your head, you’re doing it right.
Next, choose the perfect outfit. I’d suggest throwing on some Princeton gear — anything fluorescent orange. Everyone will be so blinded by the dazzle of your school spirit that they won’t notice you haven’t washed your hair in three days. A surprise bonus? If you ever feel yourself about to pass out, all you have to do is glance down to shock yourself into consciousness.
As for your bottom half, just pick up the same pair of jeans you’ve worn every day for the past week. No, there’s no need to wash them. We all know jeans don’t need to be washed until you drop at least three different types of food on them (four types, if one fell in a place where the stain can be easily hidden by the hem of your shirt).
Accessories: no outfit is complete without them. You’ll need two things. First, a headband — God’s gift to people with greasy hair. Just pop one of those babies on, and poof! It’s like the disgusting cesspool that is your forehead disappears. Next, pick your cutest shoes. Your loudest, brightest, most “Ooh, where’d you get those?” pair. If you can get everyone you meet to stare at your feet instead of your face, you’re golden.
Finally, drench yourself in perfume. As much as you can pour on without throwing up — that’s your sweet spot. You want that just-spent-twelve-hours-marinating-in-bed stench buried under as much sickening floral sweetness as possible. Don’t worry about people going into anaphylactic shock; you don’t want anyone getting too close, anyway.
And that’s it! Go face the world, and if anyone asks where you’ve been all day, tell them you were doing homework.
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