Today my newsfeed on Facebook contained three Buzzfeed lists, four Joe Biden memes, and a slew of news-based editorials dressed up with superlative clickbait titles and dubious factual content. I clicked on all of them. This is the new media, and the ‘Prince’ should wholeheartedly embrace it. After all, we need to look no further than our incoming President-elect’s administration for inspiration, advised as it is by the quintessential modern media journalist, Steve Bannon. In order for the ‘Prince’ to be the model institution of journalistic excellence on Princeton’s campus, it needs to emulate the hard hitting research and presentation of low-resolution jpeg images perfected by such sources as Occupy Democrats. Only when we lower our standards to the point where most people on campus already think they are will we be a truly exemplary collegiate news source.
But how you might ask? What would this new vision of the Daily Princetonian look like? How can we here in our Orange Bubble write exciting news stories that are as grounded in reality as the material coming from Breitbart News or as objective as The Daily Beast? Nothing ever happens in Princeton!
This is precisely why the ‘Prince’ needs to become the fake news source that Princetonians everywhere are yearning for. The lack of actual news in Princeton has lulled us into an ennui that can be broken only by making The Daily Princetonian's joke edition every single issue. We here in the Bubble have the chance to transcend the detachment of the liberal elite and actually lose all contact with facts and reality. Taking this high aspiration into account, I propose the largest change to the operations of The Daily Princetonian possible: consolidate the news and opinion sections and embrace the ethos of the modern era. All pretense of factuality implied by the heading news should be left behind as we enter the post-facts era. In addition to this blurring of fact and opinion, the ‘Prince’ should publish as much as possible without regard to quality of content. This 24/7 new section can be called No Off Time News, or NOT-News for short. All NOT-news articles should be embellished and editorialized to the point at which they become provocative to almost any reader! But it should not stop there. When you decide to disregard any semblance of reality you open up a slew of highly entertaining possibilities. I can’t wait to see the article published about President Christopher Eisgruber '83 having an extramarital affair with the weather machine that we all know sits in the bottom of Nassau Hall. The transition will not be easy, so to get started with our new direction as the premier fake news source on campus, here are a few headlines for The Daily Princetonian to consider:
Residential college system functioning well, Eating clubs highly inclusive spaces, Late meal quesadilla man happy, Minority student seen eating in Cottage, It would have been the same grade at Harvard, Princeton squirrel fears death, Freshmen actually referred to as first-years, Lacrosse team rated most racially sensitive varsity team on campus, Student who took gap year not talking about it, USG elections matter, Fire safety policy extremely reasonable, Nassoons: surprisingly chill, Penn student still hasn’t found the Dinky, Wilson College rated best standard of living, Whig-Clio senate debate relevant and well attended, Princeton Tory rated best humor magazine on campus, Princeton Triangle Club members confused for Yale students, Athletes most oppressed group on campus, Princeton Debate Panel member makes friend who isn’t debater, Forbes worth the walk.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue.
Ryan Chavez is a sophomore at Princeton University and can be reached at rdchavez@princeton.edu.
Read More
Paul Inchauspe’s NCAA singles run ends in Sweet 16
Hayk Yengibaryan and Tate HutchinsAfter reaching the Round of 16 in both the NCAA singles and doubles bracket, sophomore Paul Inchauspe’s NCAA run came to an end in Waco, Texas following defeats in both brackets on Thursday.
After reaching the Round of 16 in both the NCAA singles and doubles bracket, sophomore Paul Inchauspe’s NCAA run came to an end in Waco, Texas following defeats in both brackets on Thursday.
Reform first-year orientation: Less structure, stronger connections
Cathleen Balid“Core and FYRE Events make it difficult for freshmen to explore campus or forge connections among their new peers. To address this issue, Princeton should restructure orientation programming to prioritize building freshman peer-to-peer engagement.”
“Core and FYRE Events make it difficult for freshmen to explore campus or forge connections among their new peers. To address this issue, Princeton should restructure orientation programming to prioritize building freshman peer-to-peer engagement.”
Opposition to weapons divestment referendum takes shape
Annie Rupertus and Miriam WaldvogelAs the vote on USG referenda approach, their opposition is taking shape. This is especially true of the controversial Referendum No. 5, which calls on the University to divest from weapons manufacturers.
As the vote on USG referenda approach, their opposition is taking shape. This is especially true of the controversial Referendum No. 5, which calls on the University to divest from weapons manufacturers.
