Football team to be treated for uncontrollable “dabbing” outbreak*

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*

Per a University announcement Wednesday evening, all players and coaches of the varsity football team will be immediately treated for a widespread “dabbing” outbreak that has plagued the team of late.

Signs of the outbreak first emerged late into the 2016 season when senior running back Im Too Cool cost the Tigers the Ivy League championships when he fumbled the game-winning touchdown after breaking into a spontaneous dab. When asked regarding this action after the game, Cool explained that he had been breaking into uncontrollable dabs a few hours before the game.

Though the season may have ended following the Tiger’s loss, the dabs did not.

In fact, following Cool’s fiasco, other members of the football team reported experiencing uncontrollable dabs as well. Within a week, members of the football team could be seen dabbing in the weight room, University dining halls, and even on Prospect Street.

Jonny McDab, one of the latest victims of the outbreak, reported to the ‘Prince’ that he was having trouble performing basic human functions such as eating, showering, and even sleeping because his dab outbreaks had become too consuming.

Head coach Bob Surace ’90 declined to comment when reached over the phone. Instead, the phone could be heard rattling onto the floor, likely due to yet another spontaneous dab outbreak.

In response to the massive influx of emergency dab cases, McCosh Health Center has promptly hired a dab recovery specialist, the renowned Dr. Panthers Bandwagon. Bandwagon’s history with dabbing actually began in his childhood when he battled through a chronic case of Tebowing. Following months of intensive therapy, Bandwagon eventually recovered from his illness. However, a few weeks later, Bandwagon discovered that his case of Tebowing had simply evolved into a case of dabbing.

To treat the Tigers, Dr. Bandwagon plans to prohibit members of the team from accessing the internet or any social media. Instead, members of the team will spend their time in McCosh practicing yoga and undergoing physical therapy. Should withdrawal from dabbing become too severe, Dr. Bandwagon has said that the players will be permitted to dab once a day.

Looking ahead, the Tiger’s 2017 season may already be in jeopardy. To restrict the spread of the outbreak, the University has temporarily suspended the Tiger’s upcoming schedule, fearing the dabbing outbreak will spread across the league. In the meantime, any University students, faculty, or staff who experience uncontrollable dabbing are asked to report to the McCosh Health Center at their earliest convenience.