*This piece is satirical.
It’s always puzzled me whycommencement speeches are given at graduation. How can a speech literally called “the beginning” be given at theendof our time at college? After this three-century-long oversight was brought to the attention of President Eisgruber '83, he did what he always does: he sent a long and unclear email revealing nothing, but assuring us that some people met, feelings were discussed and at the end they sang kumbaya, and though nothing has changed, we all feel better.
But seriously, theestablishment hasmet for extensive discussion, time and time again, and this column sums up some of the most pressing advice for young Tigers visiting during Preview.
During frosh week, make sure to sign up for everything you can. If you don’t show interest after the first week, you probably will never receive a listserv email notifying you of such valuable opportunities to fill so much of your free time. If you don’t start writing immediately for “Business Today” and rise in the ranks of the Entrepreneur Club, despite your best efforts, you’ll never be able to convince an interviewer of your deep and sincere interest in IPOs, PEEs and POOs. You’ll have plenty of time for fun, so make sure to use your freshman year padding your résumé with even more activities that make you die on the inside. After all, you spent your whole life trying to get here, why stop to enjoy this moment when you can start making plans for what comes next?
As far as classes go, if you have an A- in a class after midterms, definitely drop it. You’ve never gotten a B in your life, and it’s definitely not worth the risk. Also, never sign up for a creative writing or art class. The professors know nothing and will just preach on and on about the soul and such useless matter. Make sure to go to lecture. It won’t help you learn anything, but it’ll make your grades much better. Stay away from the professors though. They are always on the hunt to affirm you in your beliefs and undermine your confidence in your ability to tread waterhere.
Additionally, make sure to not miss out on the experience of copying a few lines of someone’s code in COS 126. The Computer Science department is not very strict about plagiarism rules, and it’s amazing what a few lines of code can do in accelerating your progress towards graduation.
Always remember, you didn’t come here to learn serve this or any nation. We finally got rid of that concept when we removed the demagogue’s name from the school of International Relations and Public Policy.
Sign up for the laundry service. It’s super convenient and nothing ever gets lost.
Not including the two or three hours of schoolwork you do everyday, your social life will define your time at Princeton. Sadly, the “Princeton network” really only amounts to the six or seven close friends you maintain in between three classes (remember you dropped Microeconomics because you got an A- on the midterm), your “Business Today” articles,your attempts to change the world by putting up fliers for a speaker who’s actually changing the world and your four daily hours of Netflix.If you don’t finish all of “Game of Thrones” by the end of freshman fall, you aren’t trying hard enough.
If you are struggling, not sleeping as much as you did during the summer, are stressed out or have in any way felt “triggered,” you are definitely not experiencing some sort of mental illness. It’s not Princeton, it’s you. If this happens, be sure to not tell anyone. Definitely don’t go to your RCA, Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS), McCosh, Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education (SHARE) or a peer health advisor. Instead, resort to hours of brooding alone in your room and any other form of escapism or catharsis.
Speaking of drugs and alcohol, this brings me to the most important component of your social life - establishing dominance over, and using, upperclassmen. The Golden Rule is that you should never seek their counsel or show any form of subservience, except for on Prospect Avenue. That senior Alpha Zeta Zeta frat starwho got you a Tiger Village pass? You owe him big favors. Make sure to stick that rule in your head and never let it slip out.
In public, be sure toobsess over what peoplethink about you. Be certain everyone knows you are always studying and have only slept ten hours the previous four nights. Toparaphrase the late David Foster Wallace,you will become way more concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how often they do. As often as you think about yourself, remember that others think about you even more. You are the center of all that ishappening and the more that you actthis way, the more upperclassmen willlove you.
Lastly, remember that the first step towards social success is to forget everything you’ve heard about Ivy League preppiness.According to the illustrious Tajeating club’s vicepresident,Crocs are the only shoes which exude self-respect.
Luke Gamble is a sophomore from Eagle, Idaho. He can be reached at ljgamble@princeton.edu.
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Reform first-year orientation: Less structure, stronger connections
Cathleen Balid“Core and FYRE Events make it difficult for freshmen to explore campus or forge connections among their new peers. To address this issue, Princeton should restructure orientation programming to prioritize building freshman peer-to-peer engagement.”
“Core and FYRE Events make it difficult for freshmen to explore campus or forge connections among their new peers. To address this issue, Princeton should restructure orientation programming to prioritize building freshman peer-to-peer engagement.”
We must dispel the myth of Princeton’s economic diversity
Raf Basas“Princeton’s administration must implement a class-based affirmative action system to create a domestic student population which is socioeconomically representative of America. In the meantime, effectively serving the nation and humanity involves a realistic understanding of the world’s socioeconomic dynamics — and it starts with us recognizing that Princeton’s population, when compared to the nation as a whole, is not economically diverse.”
“Princeton’s administration must implement a class-based affirmative action system to create a domestic student population which is socioeconomically representative of America. In the meantime, effectively serving the nation and humanity involves a realistic understanding of the world’s socioeconomic dynamics — and it starts with us recognizing that Princeton’s population, when compared to the nation as a whole, is not economically diverse.”
Pathologizing men is unproductive. We should invest in better men-focused spaces
Nicholas Manetas“The lack of avenues for men to talk about masculinity is not an excuse for problematic behavior. But when discussing the challenges facing men involves pathologizing them and blaming their struggles on their own toxic masculinity, we suggest that masculinity is inherently problematic and cannot be expressed in a healthy way.”
“The lack of avenues for men to talk about masculinity is not an excuse for problematic behavior. But when discussing the challenges facing men involves pathologizing them and blaming their struggles on their own toxic masculinity, we suggest that masculinity is inherently problematic and cannot be expressed in a healthy way.”
