U. reveals administrators have operated cartel of silence*

The University’s administrators have been operating a ‘cartel of silence’ for the past 10 years in which they deliberately obscure, defer and obfuscate facts for all news organizations, great and small, the University announced on Thursday. Administrators will continue to be a part of this cartel for the indefinite future.

University spokesperson Martin Mbugua said that the irony of the announcement was not lost on him, but he declined to comment further.

All other administrators deferred comment to Mbugua because they happened to be vacationing abroad at the time of the announcement.

Former Dean of the Faculty David Dobkin said he is in the Virgin Islands and has remained there ever since the day his resignation was announced. He was not present at his resignation because he was in the Virgin Islands, he said.

University President Christopher Eisgruber’83'sassistant’s secretary’s minionsent a note saying that her boss was also vacationing in the Virgin Islands while University Provost David Lee GS ’99said he was in Pakistan filming "Homeland."

Under the terms of the cartel, administrators may only do one of the following things when they are contacted by a news organization: refuse to do any interviews that are not an exchange of written messages (sometimes called an email interview),decline to comment, make a declaration of unavailability, defer to the University’s official press release, not answer at all or, last but not least, defer comment to Mbugua. The rules add that if the administrator in question receives a notice saying that the 'Prince' no longer does email interviews, one of the other options is equally viable.

“We’ll wrap them in so much red tape that they could be buried in sarcophaguses alongside King Tut,” Mbugua said.

Failure to abide by these regulations, the rules state, will result in the offender’s serving as Mbugua’s slave until Mbugua sees fit to release them.

The rules make special mention of The Daily Princetonian, expressing the hope that if any administrator breaks the rules and leaks information anonymously, they will release that information to The Princeton Packet or Planet Princeton before the 'Prince.'

“I suppose that’s deserved,” 'Prince' Editor-in-Chief Marcelo Rochabrun ’15said while on vacation in Peru. “Even with the Office of Communications’ stalling us, we still manage to piss an awful lot of people off.”

Rochabrun declined to comment further, saying he'd be willing to answer questions by email.

Mbugua, meanwhile, said he would like to reaffirm his commitment to rapid-fire email replies and beautifully worded declined-to-comments. Referring to the sometimes odd hours of the day at which ‘Prince’ members contact him, he noted that he would be open for longer hours than Denny’s.

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“The tradition of administrative silence stretches back hundreds of years,” Mbugua said. “Why do you think William Randolph Hearst made so much shit up? Because he wasn’t given any real information to work with.”

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