Will Gansa ’17 is already planning his campaign for the winter 2015 election. His supporters noted that he has modified and enlarged his platform from last December but said his campaign aims are simple: to represent the students and make his best efforts to address their needs —all of their needs.
“Any way you want it, just the way you need it,” Gansa said in a video posted on his website.
Gansa maintained his devotion to ripe fruit, waffle fries and bike reform, noting that the fruit in the dining halls is in an especially disgraceful state.
“If Satan had offered Eve an apple and told her that it was from Wu dining hall, she would have shaken her head in disgust and we’d still be in the Garden of Eden,” he said. “That’s how bad the fruit is there.”
He said he had recently partnered with Monsanto to ensure that the fruit would be ripe, never unripe and ripe forever.
Other campaign aims, Gansa explained, include instituting a commuter train service that goes back and forth from Forbes College at various times of day, increasing the budget for Lawnparties, putting in price ceilings at Studio 34 and rebuilding Firestone Library to make it user-friendly. Gansa said that as construction in Firestone is pretty much a constant presence anyway, it may as well be used toward making the books easier to find and the library easier to navigate. He also said there will be no more security guards.
“It’s not an airport, for heaven’s sake,” he said. “It’s a library.”
Noting that freshman boys, and boys in general for that matter, sometimes complain about not getting enough action, he said that he will be hiring high-class call girls to stand outside the eating clubs on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.
When asked how he will work with the University administration, Gansa did not respond.
“USG’s power is a formality anyway. It’s not like the administration listens to us or takes us seriously. It’s time to go vigilante on this shit,” Gansa's press secretary said. He explained that Gansa is utterly and entirely devoted to the welfare of his fellow students.
Gansa’s campaign staff is already formed and well-organized, with 105 members of the Class of 2017 signed on, despite the fact that the election happens in a year. He noted that they have increased their Yik Yak staff to 25 students.
“When he’s got that many people ready to work for him and help him out, you know he’s serious about campaigning,” he said.
Gansa closed by saying that while students have an impression of politicians and USG officers as self-serving and unconcerned with their constituents, he is not like that at all.
“Friends and countrymen of Princeton," he said, "The NSA’s not the only one listening to you. I’m listening, too."
This is The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't forget you can laugh at the news.
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