Eisgruber ’83, Mighty Max Movers move Dinky back to original location*

The Dinky was moved back to its original location after the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously issued an emergency order preventing the station from operating 460 feet south of its original location.

The opinion, written by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, overruled the New Jersey Appellate Court's confirmation of the dismissal of Save the Dinky's lawsuit. Ironically, Save the Dinky's only legal victory in decades was achieved at the highest level of American jurisprudence.

"This Court holds that the station's relocation illegally discriminates against the patrons of Varsity Liquor, A Little Taste of Cuba and persons with municipal court hearings in favor of arbitrary higher educational projects, which could have just as easily been accommodated by, for example, building a gnarly arts underground beneath Poe Field," the ruling read in part. "This Court can confirm from personal experience that A Little Taste of Cuba is the best shop for homemade, hand-rolled cigars in the Central New Jersey area, and that it was already a long walk in the cold in the first place. Accordingly, the relocation violates the 14th Amendment and is remanded to Mercer County Superior Court for further hearings consistent with this opinion."

University President and Executive Mechanic Christopher Eisgruber ’83, with assistance from Mighty Max Movers LLP of Hamilton, relocated the station Thursday night.

"I happened to be driving by in my pickup and thought, well, might as well get this checked off my list before I head out for the night," he explained. "I saw my friends Craig and Julian from Mighty Max gettin' some coffee at the Wa, so we just put the station up on some stilts, rigged it up and pulled it up north across from McCarter [Theatre]. Didn't take more than half an hour."

Director of Community and Regional Affairs Kristin Appelget called the decision an affront to Western civilization as we know it.

"We are exploring all available legal options against the Supreme Court," she said.

Wawa CEO Chris Gheysens similarly expressed outrage at the decision.

"We didn't move the Wa to sell coffee and jerky to hobos hanging out by the dumpster behind Soonjas [Cuisine]," Gheysens said. "We want big freaking Ivy League-sized profits from rich alumni in the mood to spend money as they step off the Dinky and relive their long-gone youths."

However, Thomas Muza, former general manager of McCarter Theatre, expressed support for the Dinky's relocation.

"It will allow really convenient access to the theater when I come back from jail under an assumed identity to embezzle from the University's considerable resources once more," he said.