Taking a breath, bridging the gap

I’m going to take a huge risk here and attempt to discuss an issue that could arguably end in my mutilation. In the wake of Title IX, Shirtgate, catcalling videos and the newly renamed “Rape Haven” formerly known as the Tiger Inn, there has recently been a lot of discussion both on and off campus about the issue of gender equality. As a heterosexual, cis, white male from an upper middle class household, I’m pretty much the authority on discrimination and adversity, right? Perhaps not, but I do try to sympathize and understand the situation as best I can. Obviously, this is an extremely volatile topic, and the anger and outrage underlying these kinds of issues is ineffectual and ultimately counterproductive to resolving these conflicts.

I hope we all recognize that Matt Taylor, a man willing to shed tears of apology on national television over a shirt, never had malicious intentions. This is not to say that what he did was right or wrong, but rather there is serious disparity between how men and women view the situation. If there is a legitimate disconnect in understanding, anger will not correct this disparity. Instead, we should understand that men and women’s experiences are different and focus on understanding that the criticisms are based on a narrow perception of the situation. Anger only serves to fuel the perception that the other side is simply uneducated and misguided.

Let’s return now to the issue of catcalling. What is the fundamental difference in perception in this case? If you ask a man, “how would you like it if I called you ‘sexy baby’ on the street?” most men, myself included, wouldn’t care in the slightest. In fact, I would probably accept it as a compliment. But why? Why do men and women experience this so differently? Often, men use superficial flattery or kindness as a means to an end. I can imagine that, as a woman, this persistent barrage of compliments would eventually seem shallow and empty. Having to deal with constant superficial attempts at flattery and kindness as attempts to gain sexual favors would become exhausting and annoying. As a man, this is purely speculation, but I would guess that when a women hears, “Hey baby, looking good,” she immediately assumes a lack of sincerity. Yet, if I heard a similar compliment, I would feel valued simply because I have never felt used in quite the same way.

This of course doesn’t even acknowledge that women must also deal with a legitimate threat of sexual assault, while the danger to men is less of a concern given the physical disparity between the two groups. Does this justify the outrage from women, arguably rooted not in frustration but motivated by a sense of urgency given that their physical well-being is at stake? While perhaps justified, anger will not lead to better understanding or constructive discourse. A significant group of men who catcall are not sexual predators, and eliminating catcalling will not eliminate sexual assault. This is a more serious and separate issue that is not a direct result of catcalling, though they are rooted in a similar problem. There is a fundamental divide in the experiences of men and women. Men might not recognize the potential harm in such practices simply because they haven’t had to deal with them in the same way. Thus, criticisms that target male entitlement or appeal to an institutionalized disrespect of women are misguided. A man wouldn’t mind being publicly called out for superficial characteristics in the same way as a woman, because men don’t experience this in the same way.

At the root of this passionate divide there is misunderstanding, and the key to resolving this divide is compassion and consideration. While it is easy to dismiss people’s criticisms simply because you can’t see a justification for them from your perspective, understand that their criticisms are rooted in legitimate pain or discomfort that you may not fully appreciate.

Becoming irritated by another person’s lack of understanding and responding with anger and criticism will solve nothing. If something does not make sense to people and the primary argument they hear is criticism of their lack of understanding, the response naturally will be more anger and frustration. We need to bridge the gap between our own experiences and the experiences of others. Before we shout down feminists, we should really try to listen to why they are upset. Before you become upset with men for being so rude and disrespectful, understand their experiences are different from your own. Some people argue that the burden of understanding inherently falls on men because they are the beneficiaries of this disparity. Sure, but you can’t expect men to understand this disparity if many don’t even realize it exists.

ChristianWawrzonek is a computer science major from Pittsburgh, Pa. He can be reached atcjw5@princeton.edu.