Psychological breakdown of winter footwear

The unprecedented length and sheer intensity of this winter have given rise to a widevariety of footwear selections — some perhaps more practical than others. In response tothe weekly blizzards and ice storms, many on campus have designated a single pair ofshoes for the brutal weather. Find out below what your go-to winter footwear says aboutyou.

Hunters

Sure, they’re not exactly warm, but they keep your feet dry, and that’s what’s important! Youemphasize the pragmatism behind the decision to break out your fire engine red babies for another day,frowning only slightly at the realization that you haven’t worn your green pants in threemonths. It’s a price you’re willing to pay, though, as surely your choice of this particularcolor out of twenty others speaks to your quirky personality. How better to expressyour unique identity than by donning the same pair of boots owned by every other girl oncampus?

Sneakers

Good for you, you’re probably the only one in your friend group who has stuck to your gym-related New Year’s resolution! You’re the person I glare at in the dining hall between mouthfulsof cake, the one wearing nothing but running shorts and a fleece as he makes his way toDillon in 10-degree weather at 6 a.m. Or, you know, just that guy who wears sneakers,and only sneakers, year-round, weather be damned. Don’t be that guy.

Heels

In all likelihood, you’re just another one of the many poor souls who happens to have aformal or interview at an extremely inconvenient time. If you’re not bringing your formalfootwear to the venue in your bag, though, chances are evolution will phase you out. What did you say? Thisis just how you roll? More power to you. Just remember that a pair of flats won’t kill you,but those platforms very well might. Even if your nude pumps make your legs look likeMiranda Kerr’s, they have the unfortunate side effect of also making your brain resembleParis Hilton’s.

Flip Flops

Wearing Rainbows in February can mean one of three things. You’re: 1) from Russia; 2) hallucinating; or 3) a masochist, because those are the only validexplanations for trudging essentially barefoot through the small lagoons of icyslush. If you were trying to pull offthe cavalier, nonchalant, “What snow?” attitude, suffice it to say that you’vefailed pretty miserably. Frostbite is not hot, literally and otherwise.

Hiking Boots

The proverbial Chuck Norris of footwear, nothing says “YOU WILL BECONQUERED” to the polar vortex like a pair of Gore-tex hiking boots. Youwon’t just make it through the snow, goddammit, you will overcome it becausethat’s just the kind of person you are. You are an example of the beauty of thehuman spirit, the type of inspiration that star in emotional YouTube videos thatget passed around during finals week. Strength. Endurance. Grit. As you beginthe ascent from Fine to McCosh Hall on a Monday morning, ice pick in one handand bungee cord in the other, passersby stop to watch you in all your glory.Is it Bear Grylls? A North Face commercial? No, it’s just you, hiking boots-wearing Princetonian, making a mountain out of the molehills of slush stillclinging to campus. You alone will survive this winter with limbs intact.

Sperry Top Siders

Get the best of ‘the Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

What are you doing? Sure, they’re nonslip, and yes, they’re waterproof, but YOU ARENOT ON A BOAT. Last time I checked, your yacht wasn’t docked in Lake Carnegie. It’sprobably time to reevaluate your life choices. While you’re at it, put on some socks andget some real shoes.

Bean boots/Snow boots, etc.

You’re all for getting into the Olympic spirit, but not quite ready to participate by lugingdown the path to Terrace. Unassuming, sensible and down-to-earth, you’re just trying toget through the day (and this interminable winter). In the end, that’s all we can really do.