Princeton girls are SO hot*

Let’s clear something up first — I write, arguably, on the level of a first grader. Thanks for nothing, Writing Sem. Slap a generic “B” on THIS, why don’t ya?! So expect nothing from this op-ed other than for it to be a wild ride. Over the course of reading this, you might laugh, you might cry, you might puke yourself, but remember, puke on the person next to you. I have a point that isn’t motivated by hate or bias or chauvinism or anything like that. I’m simply stating an observation that I’ve made which I sincerely believe will increase the standard of living for Princeton students as a whole. Which is ...

LET’S GET SOME HOT BABES IN HERE ALREADY. JIMMINY FREAKING CRICKET.

Now that half of you have stopped reading (one-to-one ratio! Yay, diversity!!! Go Tigers!), thrown the paper away and written a letter to your residential college dean (and his wife, kids, his Congressman, your Congressman and the National Football League), let me go on to spit some hard knowledge at you. Two indisputable facts:

First, we are living in a great big bubble and not even the cool under-the-sea kind. This place is a socialist commune. Think about it. Most of us are so danged busy (Shirley, fix this) that we never leave campus for months at a time. Setting aside the rare glimpses of hope from a visit to Qdoba or T. Sweets, we live on a dadgum commie farm.

Secondly, we are all human beings (even Jeff Nunokawa ... maybe ...). We all have a desire to be loved and appreciated (So call me maybe?). This means that unless we’re going to resort to the incalculable horrors of long-distance dating we’re going to find that special someone with opposite polarity naughty bits right here on this forsaken patch of land.

Princeton goggles, goshdarnit. Princeton goggles. (Dear editors: If swearing is ok, change “goshdarnit” to most vulgar word you can come up with. Use chicken***t for all I care. Just make it offensive.) Everyone knows what I mean. In terms of attractiveness, Princeton girls are just simply in a class of their own (beneath all the other classes). Before you start crying, ladies, I’m just talking about straight-up attractiveness. You’re here so you have a shining intellect, and I’ll bet you have a beautiful soul as well. But listen, let’s face it, the girls here are just not up to scratch hotness-wise. The way it breaks down, for both males and females, the attractive sub-population here is almost entirely composed of athletes. This has some colossal drawbacks to it that makes life at Princeton 87,653.96666667 (“Trust me, I’m BSE”) times more difficult than it needs to be.

Consider this: Most male athlete are going to be at least reasonably attractive. Good body. Fit guy. Nice masculine physique from those long hours in the gym, on the field, on the court, in the pool, on the playing surface or high above us all on a broomstick. Ladies, that’s got to be at least good enough to talk to or fall into on the TI dance floor on one of those tougher nights. That’s just good old-fashioned common sense. But this does NOT work the same way for girls. A “nice masculine physique” on a girl is all the more reason to turn and run.

Do you REALLY want to know why the football team never does anything cool (Like win. Except for that one time. That was, admittedly, cool.), why men’s lax is slumping like A-Rod or why the wrestlers always look so angry?! It’s because we NEED hot girls here!!! More!!! I SAID MORE!!! I swear, every time I meet one of the various women’s teams’ hot recruits at a party and I ask a few weeks later “Hey, did what’s-her-face commit?” the answer is always “No, she went to Stanford” or “No, she went to [state school]” or “No, she decided to defer college to chase her dream of becoming a professional Roller Derby star.” I’M TIRED OF IT! The administration needs to step it up and come clean with an apology. They goofed. Denying hot girls the right of a Princeton education not only hurts them but it REALLY hurts us! The lack of suitable mates is apparent in lower grades, lagging athletic performances, low morale and the paralyzing Kleenex shortage all of us Princeton males are currently experiencing.

Far too long have we been laboring under the oppression of a corrupt regime that refuses to give us what is rightfully ours: gorgeous women. It is my sincere proclamation that Princeton and its coffers will not see a single cent of my hard-earned alumni dollars until we start hitting — and, subsequently, hitting on — an at least serviceable hot girl quota every single year. Listen to your hearts and do what you know deep down is right even though it’s hard, nay, ESPECIALLY because it’s hard. Do the right thing.

Editor’s note: This is an actual letter we received. Yes, we get this shit all the time.