NCAA: Harvard cheats at everything*

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — NCAA enforcers have descended on Harvard’s campus to investigate widespread allegations of misconduct inside and outside the classroom. Instead of the standard team for the Northeast, NCAA president Mark Emmert summoned a crack team of investigators from Birmingham, Ala., to spearhead the effort. They will investigate a wide variety of purported violations by both Crimson football and basketball.

“Normally, these guys would be chasing violations at LSU or Tennessee,” Emmert said about the investigative team. “But since we actually don’t really care about violations in the SEC and we have the opportunity to slam the most famous mid-major in the country, the decision was made to send our best people out to Cambridge.”

A scandal involving 125 students, including several athletes, cheating on a take-home exam of an introductory government course first drew the eye of the NCAA to Harvard, but they soon realized the malfeasance ran much deeper.

“We knew that the cheating scandal was just the tip of the iceberg, so we had to find out more,” Emmert said. “Besides, who doesn’t cheat on take-home exams?”

Among the more notable allegations include a possible pay-for-play scheme involving Harvard quarterback Adam Faust, who hails from Georgia. Faust’s father reportedly sought out $1,500,000 from a wealthy Dartmouth football booster. The Crimson athletic department suspended Faust on Nov. 17, but it reinstated him the next day. Harvard argued that Faust had no knowledge of his father’s activities and received no benefit.

“Adam had no knowledge or involvement in this misconduct, and Harvard respectfully submits that he should not be punished for the conduct of others,” the university’s request for reinstatement said.

“What, I’m not fucking Cam Newton,” Faust said.

The Crimson men’s basketball team is not escaping scrutiny. NCAA investigators will follow up on rumors that freshman point guard Nathaniel Portman had someone else take his SAT. While it is likely that Portman will bolt for the NBA after this season, the potential fallout could result in Harvard vacating its Ivy League championship from last season. The NCAA has reportedly told head coach Tommy Amaker in a letter that he was not at risk of being charged with any violations in the case.

What is odd about the allegations is that unknown test taker reportedly got lower scores than Portman originally had, in order to make him look more like a top 100 recruit.

“Mr. Portman cooperated fully with Harvard’s athletic and legal departments’ investigation of this issue when he was a student, and that investigation uncovered no wrongdoing on his part,” Portman’s attorney said.

“What a bunch of amateurs,” Kentucky head coach John Calipari said of the Crimson’s alleged misconduct. “At least when D-Rose had someone take the SAT for him, he was smart enough to get a higher score. Don’t these kids go to Harvard?”

One of the more notable potential misdoings being investigated by the NCAA is the use of recruiting “hostesses” by the Crimson. These hostesses were allegedly sent by the university to influence football and basketball recruits to attend Harvard by befriending potential recruits and attending their high school games.

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“Nobody put these girls on these boys,” a father of one of the recruits said after a high school football game in South Carolina. “It wasn’t like they came to our boys. Our boys started talking to them.”

“No way,” the recruit, who wished to remain unnamed, said. “Those girls were ugly as hell. There were some girls from Tennessee at my high school a couple of years back, and they were hot. These girls were grenades. Come on, they’re from Harvard.”

The NCAA will meet next month to go over the results of the investigations. If the allegations hold up, the NCAA Executive Committee is considering one of two penalties — either the death penalty, which would ban Harvard from competing in football and basketball for one year, or issuing a B on every Crimson athlete’s transcript.

“We’ll take the death penalty,” punter Jeffrey Skilling said. “If we get a B, how will we ever get jobs?!”