Hummer's secret revealed: Basketball diet*

After three and a half years of establishing himself as one of the top players in the Ivy League, the secret to senior forward Ian Hummer’s success has come to light. In addition to his hardwood bloodlines and physical abilities, the star senior has a lesser-known habit — his diet consists only of regulation-size basketballs.

Even as he has matured into a more vocal leader of the Tigers throughout his career, Hummer has kept quiet about his eating. Teammates say they haven’t seen him in the act, but the evidence lies in the missing Spaldings.

“On the first day of workouts freshman year, I saw him doing dribbling workouts by himself behind the baseline ... and when I turned back, the ball was gone,” senior center Brendan Connolly said. “We really started getting suspicious when we would all go to late meal as a team, and he would go to Dillon instead.”

“His diet is Dr. Pepper and basketballs,” senior center Mack Darrow said. “That’s it. It’s disgusting. He has never touched a vegetable, and he probably never will.”

Darrow said a few players once tried eating basketballs for themselves — figuring it might boost their performance — but the “leathery texture” was too off-putting.

Head coach Mitch Henderson ’98 admitted that Hummer’s habit has dramatically increased the money spent by the program on basketballs, though he declined to name a dollar figure.

“Everyone always says Ian lives, sleeps and breathes basketball — we didn’t know he also eats basketball,” Henderson said. “It’s a bit of an unusual diet, but Ian’s an unusually gifted player. Like I always say, if a guy puts up 15 points and eight rebounds for us every night, he can do whatever he wants with our basketballs.”

The NCAA has reportedly considered banning basketballs as a performance-enhancing substance, but no reliable test has yet been developed to detect them in a player’s bloodstream. Even if one is created, scientists say Hummer may be able to beat the test by ingesting hockey pucks as a masking agent.