Identity, conformity and tolerance

Pause. The phone is silent for a moment. Then laughter poured from the receiver, and I wondered, confused. “What?” I asked. “What’s so funny?”

It was my slightly Americanized accent. After seven months in New Jersey, my voice had changed. My English friends could hear it and thought it was hilarious. I had no idea. And I was a little worried. I didn’t want to change.

This was not the first time: I used to have a strong Irish accent. When I went to boarding school in England, at the age of 13, I had never expected it to disappear. But, within three years, it was gone. My larynx now spewed out the Queen’s English, and it had happened without me realizing it at all.

So, when I came to America last year, I was aware of the danger of influential new surroundings. I arrived thinking that the more confident, older Phil Mooney of 2011 would certainly be more resistant to the sounds of the voices around him. I came to Princeton consciously guarding against any change. My voice had altered once before, and I was determined that it wouldn’t do so again.

Not so easy, it turns out. I’m doing a reasonably good job preventing change, but as the “Saaaturrday” incident suddenly showed, it’s hard. It’s hard enough to know when you’re changing, let alone to stop the change.

OK. But is it such a big deal?

Five years ago, I would have said yes. I was always worried about losing my distinct identity. Despite an adolescent readiness to submit to the crowd, I was always worried about just becoming one more identical voice in the masses. This is true for most people: We like to be different.

At a local level, such a desire for variation is usually fine. Dye your hair purple. Grow it long. You’ll look different, and your desire for uniqueness will probably be satisfied, which is great because you aren’t harming anyone or being different in any uncontrollable or detrimental way. You’ll probably still be using the same shampoo.

But, zoom out, and problems arise.

Between larger communities — class to class, tribe to tribe, country to country — we still want this variety. At this level, though, the desire for difference is no longer so harmless. Here, it can cause serious conflict.

It shouldn’t be like this. We don’t need to be so different. We can be more tolerant and open, and it will benefit us all.

How does this work? Take American politics, for example. The strength of the two-party system, supported by strong religious and historical influences, polarizes the debate. Although once elected, leaders in Washington might be free to cross the aisle and do not necessarily have to toe the party line, the national feeling is very different. Not only those running for election, but also many of the people, are loudly bound to one ideology. Sure, about half of Americans identify as independents, but their voices are easily drowned out by a small number of those in the opposing quarters that remain. This kind of violent partisan polarization forms the foundations for broad dissatisfaction among Americans. According to Gallup, only 30 percent of Americans are “satisfied with the way things are going in the country.” That’s up from a 13-percent low four years ago, but far from earlier heights. And far from future possibilities.

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The cure for such hurtful partisan intolerance is simple and applies to many other conflicts around the world. Value systems, led by circumstance, are constructed in the minds of individuals and don’t always align. With damaging self-interest and laziness, we think: “He doesn’t agree with me — I am going to have to fight and force my way to victory.” This is bad. Crucially, though, such an attitude can change. Extremes can always be brought closer to the middle. Leadership does something, but what we really need are introspective pauses from every individual involved. Everyone needs to realize that eternal squabbling is never the answer. Look around now and think: “He doesn’t agree with me — why are we different? What can I do to change? Can I be more like them?”

We like to be different. But, we’re not so good at admiring or allowing difference in others. From hair color to religion, the world should extend its acceptance of variety beyond the small, local differences it knows best. If we are willing to conform slightly, or at least expand our tolerances, we will advance a great deal. By definition, concession doesn’t always work perfectly. But, it gets something done and moves us in some direction. That brings us much closer to progress than bitter stagnation ever can.

Don’t fear some level of conformity. Be more tolerant. In a world of us and them, that’s hard. But work at it, and the world will be better for us, and for them, as a result.

Philip Mooney is a sophomore from Belfast, Northern Ireland. He can be reached at pmooney@princeton.edu.