A dialogue: The Mitts within

The following is an imaginary dialogue that might occur within U.S. presidential candidate and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. The two characters presented are Willard (the more conservative candidate seen during most of Romney’s presidential campaign) and Mitt (the more liberal Romney who appeals to the independent voting constituency). Important: This really is not meant to offend anyone; it is a political commentary on a widely discussed aspect of one of the 2012 American presidential candidates. This does not necessarily reflect my political views.

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Dramatis Personae

Willard: Age: 65, Height: 6 feet 2 inches. Bears a striking physical similarity to Mitt, so much so that the two are often confused with each other. He has peppery hair and matching eyebrows that are at times overly expressive. Willard is quick to smile, somewhat smugly. He founded Bain Capital, ran the Olympics and is the darling of the Tea Party. After fearing the loss of the Republican nomination (again), Willard took over as Romney’s most trusted advisor and has been isolating the 47 percent ever since.

Mitt: Like Willard, Mitt is also 65 and 6 feet 2 inches. He also has great hair, and a wife, Ann, whose hair may be the only rival to his (aside from dear old Donald). Mitt has five children, whom he loves dearly. Mitt’s greatest achievement is serving as Massachusetts’ 70th governor. After being criticized for his “liberal bias” in the 2008 primaries, Mitt deferred to Willard’s expertise in the 2012 election, though he sometimes feels the need to put his two cents in, confusing voters and media pundits alike.

Setting

Willard Mitt Romney is asleep after a long day campaigning in Florida. He has just debated President Barack Obama in Boca Raton on foreign policy. The following is a look into his subconscious that night. Mitt wears a Ralph Lauren button down, slacks and Sperrys. Willard sports a suit, striped power tie, red, much like Romney wore only a few hours before. Willard slowly walks back and forth while Mitt sits, with his forearms on his knees, on one of the two chairs in an otherwise black, empty space.

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Mitt: Well, that went well.

Willard: Did it, now?

Mitt: Confused, somewhat amused by Willard’s incessant aloofness. You don’t think it did?

Willard: Huffing a bit. You’re only happy because you’ve been getting more attention as of late.

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Mitt: Now really amused. Among other things, Mitt and Willard share the same slightly awkward, smug smile. I think we can both agree that isn’t a bad thing.

Willard scoffs at Mitt and turns away.

Mitt: Hey, it’s really not my fault the public doesn’t like you very much. And of course by public, I mean the fort—

Willard: Abruptly stops walking, points a figure in Mitt’s direction, cutting him off. Don’t you dare. Calming down a bit, relaxing his shoulders. You sound like a goddamn liberal. There’s a reason I took over when we announced our candidacy. Remember all those articles about being the last man standing? Do you really want to go back to that? Do you?

Mitt looks off into the distance.

I didn’t think so. That’s why I took over. I can lead America, and I can certainly lead us. Who do you think paid for your blazer, your shoes, your haircut—

Mitt: —Our haircut.

Willard: Yes, very well. Don’t be thickheaded; you understand what I’m saying. You failed the Party when I didn’t. Someone had to take up the mantle.

Pauses

We needed someone to electrify our voting base. And let’s face it, you’re about as electrifying as an electric chair. Willard guffaws.

Mitt looks at Willard oddly until Willard turns his guffaws into an awkward cough.

Don’t you get it? As electrifying as an electric chair. Pauses. You really can be thick sometimes, can’t you. You’re worse than a delayed flight to St. Bard’s.

Mitt: That means just so much Willard, especially coming from an insufferable stiff like you.

Willard huffs.

Anyway, all this name bashing is getting in the way of what we really need to talk about.

Willard: Where we’re wintering?

Mitt: No. Well, yes, but not right now. No, now we need to talk politics. You know what every commentator from Rachael Maddow to Chris Matthews is saying? That we were all over the map during the debate again.

Willard: No they are not.

Mitt: See for yourself! It’s right here, in The Times.

Willard: Huffs. A liberal rag. Besides, I thought you were the one to say the debate went well.

Mitt: I do think the debate went well ... Trails off a bit. When I was speaking.

Willard: What was that? Feigning ignorance.

Mitt: When I was speaking! When I was speaking! Voters respond when I speak, Willard. It’s well and good that I can’t inspire our dear Tea Partiers like you can. And perhaps you’re right, that was useful during the primaries when we had to beat out Rick and the rest of those uber-neocons. But now we need to cater to the entire American public. Do you know what that means? One hundred percent of the public. Willard huffs, yet again. One hundred percent. Besides, we have Paul to appease Sarah, Michelle and the rest of the Tea Partiers.

Willard: He’s an insufferable child. Tagg would do a better job than him.

Mitt: That doesn’t matter, Will, listen to me —

Willard: Don’t call me Will. I hate that!

Mitt: Fine, Willard. My point is that it is my turn to lead us. It’s three weeks until election day, and I can’t have you come in at random times saying things that make absolutely no sense to anyone!

Willard: Like what?

Mitt: Like what? Like what? Oh let’s see, why don’t we ask Big Bird? Or why don’t I consult my binders full of women? Maybe they know.

Willard: You liberal wasteland; that was taken out of context, and you know it!

Mitt: Maybe so, but that’s the world we live in, Willard. You can be president of Goldman, Greenpeace or Greece and no one would care after you say something like that. One little slip up, and there’s a million pictures of us on the Internet – on Twitter and Facebook and whatever else, sitting next to Big Bird and a binder. Do you see that appealing to the independents?

Willard: Oh, don’t act so high and mighty. People who take the center never win. Ever. We’re in a crisis, a crisis of democracy, if you will, and to achieve peace, we need a strong party leader who—

Mitt: Save it for Fox, Willard. The point is we’re obviously not going to be as hard-line as we’ve been acting for most of the campaign. Our performance during the debate has been increasing our polling numbers in Ohio and Pennsylvania. They’d be even higher if I didn’t have to cover for you every damn time you interrupted Jim Lehr in the first debate.

Willard tries to interrupt but cannot think of anything to say.

Mitt: So you agree then. I’ve come up with a five-point plan for us to follow in the next three weeks to achieve this end. One, Willard will listen to what Mitt has to say. Two, Willard and Mitt will conjointly discuss Mitt’s success in implementing universal health care in Massachusetts. Three, Willard will stop discussing his leadership of the Olympics in Salt Lake. Polls show that few people care about Utah and it reminds everyone of how you insulted the UK this past summer during Opening Ceremonies in London.

Willard: If I could just interject here, I really need to make something clear…

Mitt: Really now, didn’t you do enough of that tonight? Willard shuffles over to the chair opposite Mitt. Now, then: Four, we introduce our concrete plan to decrease our deficit and tax rates. I believe you were in charge of coming up with this, right?

Willard looks at Mitt, expressionless.

Mitt: …Right?

Willard: …Well, there really is no concrete plan.

Mitt: What?

Willard: There is no concrete plan.

Mitt: What happened to Mr. CEO of Bain Capital and Mr. I’ll Get the Economy Back on Track?

Willard: You think I had a plan as CEO? When did I ever say anything about a concrete plan? Do you actually think we can reduce the deficit while decreasing taxes? It’s just not possible. And there are campaign promises to keep. Who do you think paid for all of those TV ads, for Ann’s stylists? For that fancy video at the convention? For Clint Eastwood and his goddamn chair? The money had to come from somewhere. Besides, we need to distance ourselves from that healthcare policy of yours; it’s far too similar to Obamacare.

Mitt: Stop changing the subject! What the hell are we going to do about the economy?

Willard: What do you mean, we? Anyway, the economy is the least of our worries. Can you explain this? He hands him a special issue of Time. Do you see this? It’s you, during the 2002 gubernatorial race. You say you’re a “moderate” with “progressive views.” What are we going to do about this?? Do you really think you’re able to compete with Barack when it comes to getting liberal votes?

Mitt: My views were … evolving ...

Willard: Oh, you’re views were evolving. Now I see. Thank you for explaining this so clearly.

Mitt: Hey, Massachusetts elected a Republican for some reason. And at least I kept my promises, unlike you. I cut taxes and reduced the state deficit.

Willard: You barely even won that election; I had to basically pay your way into office! Your spending cuts made higher education fees increase by 63 percent, which upset the Northeastern elite, while your tax loophole closure cost our friends in business $300 million!

Mitt: Standing up, angrily. You’re intolerable!

Willard: Standing up in unison. You’re unbearable!

Mitt: Getting in Willard’s face. You’re an ultra-conservative buffoon that’s going to cost us this election!

Willard: Pushing right back. You’re a wishy-washy semi-moderate that is despised by everyone in the Tea Party and only barely tolerated by the GOP!

Mitt: I hate you!

Willard: I hate you!

The two come to blows, which startles Romney out of his sleep. He has a splitting headache and knows he had a nightmare but can only remember fuzzy outlines of a man in a suit and much bickering. After putting on a recording of his Olympics’ CEO acceptance speech, he drifts back to sleep.

Elise Backman is a sophomore from Sea Bright, N.J. She can be reached at ebackman@princeton.edu.