Weekend Roundup: Princeton nails opponents with naughty, physical play

On Friday night, the women’s soccer team squeezed out a win over Yale, 3-2. The referees appeared to be on Yale’s side for much of the afternoon session, as Princeton was punished in the two-on-one several times for being too naughty.

“We’ve been bad girls, haven’t we mister?” junior midfielder Tits McGee said to the referee after receiving a yellow card. “I’ve got my own card I’d like to give you, too.”

After several perverse calls, the ref spent much of his time near the Tigers’ goal, continuing to berate the girls for their dirty, dirty play.

“That referee kept getting on us for our filthiness,” sophomore goalkeeper Betty Humpter added. “He was a giant dick in my box.”

The next day, the football team met up with Harvard for some afternoon action. The Tigers used their sizable staff to penetrate the Crimson’s backfield, coming out with a tight victory.

“It was such a hard and long one,” linebacker Barry Masculine panted. “We were throwing bodies around.”

Senior receiver Howie Naleder caught all the balls flung his way and scored three times in an arousing performance. Naleder was especially reproductive going deep, as he started in the flats and then quickly went long.

“I had just been roughed down the seam the play before, and so my move allured the cornerback into thinking I would do the same,” Naleder said. “I knew we had the touchdown. It was titillating.”

“It was like pitch and catch,” sophomore quarterback Mike Hunt said.

Speaking of pitchers, the baseball team spanked Rider 12-2 in a fall scrimmage on Saturday. Junior southpaw Dick Powers changed speeds to keep the Broncs on edge all night, pounding the zone and going the distance on only 69 pitches.

“I was getting squeezed a little in the first couple innings, getting more balls than I would have liked, but I changed my approach and nailed the right spots later in the game,” he said. “My movement and command was almost perfect.”

Offensively, the Tigers roughed up Broncs starter Ron Mexico, smacking his offerings all over the park. Their hitters had no trouble rounding the bases, motorboating right past third base to score multiple times in each of the opening frames.

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“We were all over their guy,” catcher Hue Jass said. “I wish we’d had a doubleheader today because our sticks were so hot.”

Powers gave up a rope to outfielder Will Dooya to lead off the bottom of the first. But with two on and one down, he induced a double-play ball up the middle to escape the jam, leaving a frustrated Dooya stuck on third base.

Dooya played despite a painful gimp on his leg from the week before. He said a rubdown from the trainers should satisfy him for the time being.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.