Students protest magic distribution

“It’s completely unfair that 99 percent of the country’s magic is posessed by 1 percent of the population,” protest organizer Dimitri Galleon said.

As a demonstration against the inaccurate amount of magic controlled by the campus population, protestors have boycotted the use of Hogwarts facilities and have instead set up an encampment by the edge of the forest.

According to University officials, the students involved are being sheltered by a number of magical, space-enhancing tents borrowed from the school and are being fed three square meals per day, in addition to brunch, bedtime snacks, high tea, low tea, middle tea, no tea, elevenses, twelveses, the rare thirteenses, a nightcap and steak, among others, by the house elves in the school kitchens.

“Curly thinks it’s really far to walk all the way to the angry students,” Curly the house elf said while shivering after a particularly rainy trek all they way to the woods for yesterday’s dinner. “But must work for masters. Students who come to University pay for top-notch treatment; wouldn’t come if they didn’t want to be served.” Here Curly sneezed and the reporter offered her his dripping handkerchief.

In addition, due to the additional attention paid to the University in light of the protest and the proximity of the protesters’ encampment to the Forbidden Forest, the school has had to require a number of Dementors to work overtime to keep the students safe. The Dementors gladly accepted this new assignment, according to their foreman, as their previous post protecting Goldman Sachs info sessions yielded them no souls at all.

“We just think that everyone should have the exact same amount of everything,” Galleon explained while attempting to maintain his Patronus Charm. “I mean, you should have the exact same life as everyone else, even if you were born under different conditons. That’s why I started the Polyjuice Potion for All! club.” The shapeshifting potion would indeed allow everyone to have the exact same life, as long as the drinker has a lock of hair from the person he or she would like to become. For the cause, Galleon explained, he has been collecting samples from most of his female friends.

Several students said that they were shocked by the amount of momentum the movement has gained, despite the fact that as of yesterday only six people were actually participating in the protest. The PPA! club has seen a massive surge in popularity, though its demographic remains largely male for some reason.

But students also criticized the effect that the protest was having on the rest of the student body. At a recent Gringotts recruitment session for interested seventh-year students, two of the protestors released a niffler into the crowd, which made short work of the attendees’ silver watches, earrings and, in one unfortunate incident, gold nipple rings. It took several hours to return the valuables to the disgruntled attendees.

“I get that they care about this, but I’m just trying to get a job here,” said one of the aforementioned disgruntled attendees, who asked not to be named for fear future employers would find him indiscreet if he were quoted in The Daily Prophet. “Unlike them, I think I can do more to fix the system if I’m not working as a part-time store clerk at Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.