Johnson ’97 lured by University of Phoenix

“I love, love, love University of Phoenix basketball,” Johnson said at a press conference yesterday morning.

Johnson’s announcement, which is being described as a “lateral move,” comes less than one year after he left Princeton to take the Fairfield coaching job. In 2011, his fourth year as a head coach, Johnson led the Tigers to the NCAA Tournament.

“Sydney has a great passion for our university and what it stands for,” University of Phoenix president Bo Ring said in a statement. “We are confident that Johnson will transform our program and be a leader for our students for years and decades to come.”

The University of Phoenix is a for-profit institution of higher learning with campuses around the country and online courses. Though a couple of campuses have basketball teams, Johnson will be heading the new eCampus roster, drawn from people who take the college’s distance learning courses online.

“I have met some of these players, and there are some outstanding men at this school,” Johnson said. “I look forward to this challenge, and we will be competing for championships.”

After Johnson finished his press conference, he accidentally dropped a black briefcase, which opened and sent stacks of $100 bills scattering throughout the room. He hurriedly picked them up with a look of embarrassment and then scurried away.

Johnson was quick to hit the recruiting trail soon after signing on as Phoenix coach. In his first move, Johnson bought several Facebook advertisements to recruit potential student-athletes.

“Like deliberate, slow-paced basketball? Don’t want to do the work of applying to college? Join today!” the ad read.

Fairfield’s president, Rev. Jeffrey von Arx ’69, was irate that Johnson left and demanded the athletic department to find another fellow Princeton alumnus to lead the program. He reportedly drunk-dialed Princeton head coach Mitch Henderson ’98, assistant coach Brian Earl ’99, Georgetown head coach John Thompson ’88, Denver head coach Joe Scott ’87, Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’67 and even senior forward Patrick Saunders, trying to convince them to coach the Stags.

“That call was kind of creepy,” Saunders said. “It was all right at first, but then he started sobbing about how only Princetonians understand how basketball should really be played and mumbling all of this Jesuit stuff. I was like, dude, I have a thesis to write.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.