High Inquisitor bans groups

Beginning immediately, all students are banned from associating in groups of two or more or engaging in any creative thought not directly dictated by the University.

“We just think that this stage in students’ development is a very formative one,” Tilghman said in an interview in her office, smiling sweetly as she offered this reporter a cup of tea out of a delicate pink teacup decorated with gamboling kittens.

“I know you cute little children think you’re all grown up and can make decisions on your own, but that’s just not the case,” she added. “Trust me, dear, and let the adults do the thinking. We’ll let you know what you need to put in your pretty little heads.”

These latest Educational Decrees are just the latest step in the decades-long battle between the University and proponents of the traditional house system.

“This entire idea of sorting students into houses as soon as they step on campus, before they even figure out where the lavatory is — it’s just absurd. It’s completely antithetical to the ideal of a loving, united environment of mutual respect we’re trying to create,” she added, batting her eyelashes as she picked up a letter opener and stabbed the house elf who was sweeping her fireplace. “Blinky! What have I told you about shaking? You filthy little beast.”

The new rule appears specifically targeted toward the well-known secret society “Dumbledore’s Army,” which has engaged in a number of dangerous initiation rituals as previously reported by the Prophet. The organization has taken advantage of the numerous secret tunnels to Hogsmeade to ferry hard butterbeer back from the Three Broomsticks, purchased under false identification.

While no students have died as a result of the hazing, the number of students hospitalized by Hogwarts Matron Poppy Pomfrey has increased steadily over the past decade.

Representatives of the houses, however, continue to stand behind the system, arguing that the groups help bring students with similar interests together.

“This decision is intolerable,” said one student who identified himself as “Fard Westley.” “[Dumbledore’s Army] isn’t destructive; we’re just trying to help students get to know each other, meet friends and train for the inevitable uprising of the dark lord Voldemort.”

When pressed for details concerning last year’s hazing, Westley said, “The reports are greatly exaggerated. I can tell you this: We subjected the new recruits to no more than two of these things: electrocution, eating Fizzing Whizzbees and being forced to watch episodes of ‘My Little Pony.’ “

When pressed even further, Westley said, “Please, stop pressing on me! It’s starting to hurt!”

Following the interview, Westley disappeared in a puff of something that smelled uncomfortably like my wet laundry.

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Headmistress Tilghman assured the Hogwarts community that their feedback would be taken into account while determining the appropriate punishment of violations of the rule. “It’s either going to be being tied to the Whomping Willow, or spending an evening with the giant squid in the lake. We’re very flexible about this; it’s completely up to you!”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.