He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named seizes Hufflepuff

Hogwarts students, however, didn’t seem to care. “It really doesn’t affect us directly here at the school,” fifth-year student Fergie Furmplekin said. “I mean, the Township is only the very bottom part of campus, so it’s not like it affects anyone much.”

The border of the Township overlaps with the southern part of Hufflepuff House, according to people who actually care about these things.

“Hufflepuffs have a good Sunday brunch,” third-year Ashley Pendragon said when pressed about her thoughts on the lost House. “Sorry, I don’t have a broom, so I don’t go there very often.”

In an exclusive interview with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the Dark Lord expressed his amazement at the simplicity of the takeover.

“I expected more resistance from students and administrators,” he said. “They just didn’t seem to care about anything that wasn’t directly related to their next assignment. Now please excuse me; I have to pillage.”

Voldemort’s group set fire to the House and slowly watched it and its inhabitants burn to the ground. The few students who made the trek from upper campus to defend the territory dropped their weapons and blankly stared at the flames for a long time.

“We have more important things to be worried about,” said second-year Zebulon Zebingo in justification of his apathy during Hufflepuff’s burning. “I mean, it’s exam period and I still have to write eight more inches for my Arithmancy class!”

Some student groups, however, began campaigns to raise awareness of the issues. Some of them even went as far as to put up posters.

“Just because we’re students paying $50,000 to go to the most exclusive college on the East Coast where our rooms are heated and our food is gourmet and we spend our days learning from the leading minds of our generation, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be concerned about the plight of those who are less advantaged than we are,” Alexa Agnew, president of Turgidity For America. “It’s our responsibility as students, nay, as humans, to, um, get our hands dirty.”

At this point, Agnew was forced to cut the interview short to remove excess lint from her Barbour jacket.

After the events, Headmistress Shirley Tilghman held a press conference in front of Nassau Hall. “We are very disappointed to hear that our own Hufflepuff House was overtaken by Voldemort and his army,” she said. “Please stand back. I shall establish a task force to solve the problem!” she added with a flick of her wrist.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.