Big East invites Princeton football

Dozens of football programs around the nation have changed conference affiliation recently, but Princeton’s move comes as the biggest surprise, as the Tigers will make the leap from Division 1-AA to 1-A after two consecutive 1-9 seasons in the Ivy League.

“We see this as an exciting challenge for the program,” Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’67 said. “Hell, Syracuse reached a bowl game in the Big East last year. If they can do it, anybody can.”

When rumors of the move first surfaced last month, fans wondered what the Big East would gain from inviting the Tigers. Big East commissioner John Marinatto answered those questions in a press conference on Thursday.

“Princeton has won more championships than any other university, and honestly, I’m not sure any of our current members have even won any,” Marinatto said. “Besides, have you seen the teams we have right now? South Florida, UConn ... Christ, we’re getting people excited about SMU and San Diego State. People have actually heard of Princeton, which is good enough for us right now.”

“I really don’t see what the big deal is,” head coach Bob Surace ’90 said. “We’re moving from one conference where we have no shot at playing for a national championship to another conference where we have no shot at playing for a national championship. It’s not much of a change.”

For now, only the football squad will change its affiliation. Rumors abound, however, that it may only be a matter of time before the rest of the athletic department follows suit and changes affiliation to increase its national audience.

“I think this is an exciting move for them to go, and we hope they consider expanding the move to all sports,” a source in the Columbia athletic department said. “Maybe then the rest of us could finally win some fucking championships.”

One consequence of Princeton’s departure is that it will break up the long-standing Ivy League rivalries.

“Let’s be honest, we really don’t give a shit about playing Princeton. They think it’s a rivalry, but we use that week as early practice for The Game,” Yale linebacker and captain Will McHale said. “Why do you think that DiBilly guy ran for so many yards against us? We didn’t even know his name until introductions because we’d been scouting Harvard all week.”

The move, which will be effective starting with the 2012 season, leaves the Ivy League scrambling to find another member to maintain an even eight-team schedule. Early reports named Monmouth as a good geographic fit, allowing the conference to keep a foothold in New Jersey. But league sources said that the remaining schools have concerns over Monmouth’s academic profile, which would considerably bring down the Ivy League average, ranking ahead of only Cornell.

Meanwhile, Surace and other coaches expressed excitement about getting away from the Ivy League’s regulations, especially the infamous “bands” of the Academic Index that restrict recruiting.

“Screw the AI. Now we can finally bring in some real meatheads,” Surace said.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Meanwhile, the marketing side of the athletic department was also enthusiastic about the change. Facing state schools with larger bases of traveling alumni might increase attendance at football games, which has declined significantly in recent years.

“It should be obvious by now that nobody at Princeton gives a fuck about sports, and we have to fill this big-ass stadium somehow,” marketing manager Dane Jurr said. “We might as well bring in as many visiting fans as possible.”

Meanwhile, the program plans to use the new start to rebrand itself and its facilities. Walters said that he looked to fellow Big East newcomer Boise State for inspiration.

“We’re gonna re-sod the stadium with some sweet orange turf,” he said. “Maybe a giant tiger painted across the whole field. Now that’s intimidating.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.