Column: Sports teams wish for holiday gifts

It’s cold outside, evergreens are missing from down campus and Rockefeller College has more colored lights than sub-Saharan Africa. As time passes and late December steadily approaches, it’s getting hard to overlook that the holiday season is finally here.

Personally, I am counting down the days until Hanukkah, but I am well aware that there are many additional holidays to look forward to: Christmas, Kwanzaa and Pancha Ganapati, among other gift-giving celebrations.

As a child, I remember that my gentile friends would spend hours composing letters to Santa Claus. Naturally, I resolved to write to Hanukkah Harry, but my Nintendo 64, coupled with my attention deficit disorder, prohibited me from doing so. Though my Wave Race 64 skills increased dramatically—I could do double backflips like a Ninja Turtle — to this day I am still disappointed that I never sat down and wrote a letter.

Unfortunately, I recently discovered that Hanukkah Harry does not actually exist. Kwanzaa and Pancha Ganapati do not have characters of that sort either. But I believe several Princeton sports teams would benefit from writing letters to Santa. More specifically, I think that the football, baseball, lacrosse and ski teams should take the time to write letters to the North Pole.

Every member of Tiger football treats dinner like a holiday. But seriously, Jews celebrate Shabbat every Friday, Christians go to church on Sunday and football players dominate dinner every night. They eat in large groups with large portions. It’s obvious that what football needs is dining hall trays. Considering what most people are asking for this Christmas, trays should be an easy addition to Santa’s bag of goods.

Next, every semi-social student on this campus can feel the tension between Tiger Inn, Cottage Club and Cannon Club. After all, Cannon’s 138 new members were not exactly Charter- or Colonial-bound. While Santa, like every other non-Princetonian, may be unfamiliar with the eating club system, he may be able to help. The lacrosse and baseball teams should collectively write a letter to Santa expressing their concern for the equilibrium of the street.

For the ski team, I would recommend a lengthy, cordial letter — if possible, with money enclosed — because the gift they need would require Santa and every reindeer to go incredibly out of their way. I haven’t worked out the physics of this yet, but I think that the ski team should ask for a mountain. The soccer team has a stadium, the cross country team has a track and the basketball team has a court. I believe the ski team deserves a mountain, and if the University is not going to act, then Santa is the team’s last hope.

Lastly, and possibly most importantly, is my personal letter to Santa. Though it may be slightly awkward because I’m Jewish, I’m sure Santa won’t mind reading one additional request. I have thought long and hard about this, and I have decided that I am going to ask for the most special thing of all: another Doug Davis buzzer-beater, preferably against Harvard.