Column: Imagining an NBA season, part II

I knew when I decided to write this column it would not be an easy task. Not because of the incredible difficulty of writing an opinion piece about sports, but because the topic of this column upsets me. We are in the midst of a lockout in the National Basketball Association that, as of Nov. 22, will be in its 145th day.

If you are at all a basketball fan — like me — I don’t have to tell you this. I don’t have to tell you that there have been some 300 games canceled so far. That we are into November and have yet to see Blake Griffin make some spectacular dunk, cementing his spot for the fourth time this week on ESPN’s top 10. That no meaningful basketball involving professionals has been played since the Mavericks beat the Heat to win the playoffs in June.

But, hey, we don’t need them! We don’t need Billy Hunter, the executive director of the National Basketball Players Association, or David Stern, the NBA commissioner, to come to an agreement because we have football! And fantasy football. And futbol. Or football again if you prefer the English Premier League. And after the Super Bowl, we can watch college basketball. For most NBA fans, the college game isn’t as exciting as the professional game, but there are options.

Though aware of it, the two sides of the negotiating table aren’t too concerned about the NBA brand being damaged too badly by the lockout. While they are losing millions and millions of dollars by not letting any games happen, both sides would rather spite the other side so they could “win” the negotiations instead of making systematic changes that would allow both the NBA to be profitable and players that deserve the big bucks to receive their compensation. At some point an agreement will be reached, games will be played again, and NBA fans will slowly trickle back to where they were last year, but the disregard shown by the NBA for its fans here is insulting.

If I wasn’t in such good shape in my fantasy league, I may not have even written this column just out of sheer frustration with the NBA. An 8-2 record puts me in a good enough mood to write this, though.

So now that I’ve had my rant, I’ll explore the idea posed by my colleague Brennan Robbins ’14 in his column “Imagining an NBA season,” in which Robbins imagines what would have happened this year in the East had the 2011-12 season taken place. I will be imagining the West.

The Spurs begin Tim Duncan’s “putting the star out to pasture” campaign by playing Tiago Splitter and DeJuan Blair in place of Duncan’s minutes more and more throughout the year. This leads to several ESPN specials about the underrated-ness of Tim Duncan, with every announcer wondering if that will be Duncan’s last game in that particular stadium. Duncan’s stats take another hit, but Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker keep the Spurs in the playoff hunt.

The comparisons between Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos and Jimmer Fredette of the Sacramento Kings tire fans of both sports as much as coverage of Tebow has done for football this year. During every Kings game on TNT, Charles Barkley yells something barely comprehensible about how both players are interesting but “turrible” while Ernie Johnson brings up the “hard-working” and “winning” natures of both players.

The Clippers’ Blake Griffin continues to make headway in making the Clippers relevant while owner Donald Sterling broods on the sideline about how to sabotage his efforts and bring the team back to irrelevancy. The Staples Center sells out regularly for Clippers games, but the success makes Sterling uncomfortable and actually pushes him closer to selling the team.

The Phoenix Suns continue their freefall, prompting 40 post-game interviews with a tired but Canadian-ly affable Steve Nash about whether or not he is going to demand a trade from the Suns. Nash continuously restates his happiness in staying with the Suns while basketball commentators lament losing the last few years of one of the best point guards in the league. The Suns promise their fans they will try to rebuild around Nash while doing absolutely nothing to realize those promises. Why are you so happy, Steve? Why?

Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavericks start out rough, unused to the target plastered all over their back post-championship, so they try to bring up the Decision whenever possible to shift focus back to the Heat. Nowitzki ends a post-game interview with this statement: “I was disappointed with my 4-14 shooting from the field tonight, but at least I didn’t leave my team in free agency. Wouldn’t that be such a jerk move? I’m not calling out anyone in particular. On a side note, you should be talking more about LeBron.”

The Lakers win games but not enough to satisfy Lakers fans. Calls to radio stations complain about Pau Gasol’s weakness and Andrew Bynum’s inconsistencies and eventually clamor for a trade for Dwight Howard, no matter the cost. Publicly, Kobe affirms his belief in the current Lakers roster, but a voicemail found from Kobe to Howard by a member of the paparazzi sparks the first 2011-12 scandal. Kobe is heard trying to woo Howard to the Lakers from the Magic and complains about how Gasol “doesn’t really understand” him. Gasol is taken aback by this, but the two have a press conference together publicly validating their reconciliation. The new, large diamond on Gasol’s hand does not go unnoticed.

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Dallas wins the West again and makes a playoff run that has the word “dynasty” on the lips of every ESPN anchor. The Lakers beat the Thunder in the playoffs again but can’t figure out a way to stop Nowitzki in the Western Finals. A picture of Kobe glaring at Gasol after a missed layup inspires a 3,000-word column by Bill Simmons about why Kobe now for sure — and for the last time, he promises — should never be mentioned in the same sentence as M___ J___, except in certain circumstances. Example: “Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan both like to drink water” — unacceptable. “Kobe Bryant — who is not as good as Michael Jordan — and Michael Jordan both like to drink water” — acceptable.

The Mavericks go on to play the Bulls in the finals, but the combined defense of Joakim Noah and Taj Gibson coupled with a legendary playoff series by Derrick Rose — which rejuvenates the MJ debate merely a week after it was put to rest — proves to be too much for Nowitzki. Bulls win championship in six.