Column: Imagining an NBA season

The 2011-12 NBA season is probably not going to happen. What recourse does the average NBA fan have? Navigating a winter without professional basketball will be difficult. Alternatives are scarce. NBA fans could watch professional hockey. For me, that would entail getting corrective eye surgery to follow the puck or developing an affinity for watching bearded Canadian men fight. The former is too expensive, and the latter is available on YouTube.

We could also track the legal battle and develop fantasy law teams. We could draft or auction the rights to lawyers, arbiters and judges and get points if they win a case, issue a decision, reverse a decision, or enforce an agreement. Fantasy law is somewhat promising but might not have wide appeal. College basketball would seem to be the obvious alternative, but NBA fans chose to follow the pros for a reason. The quality of basketball played by professional players is so ridiculously good that college basketball, while entertaining, cannot hope to replace the NBA.

I have my own preferred alternative that I think will entertain a broad swath of NBA fans: imagining what would have happened in the 2011-12 season. The artistic possibilities of this approach are nearly endless. NBA fan-fiction, cartoons, comics, illustrations and debate shows could all focus on how the NBA season would have unfolded if the players and owners had reached an agreement.

I offer the following narrative as my own story of the history of the 2011-12 NBA season. I will focus on the East in this article and let my colleague Bryant Jones discuss the West.

As the season opens, attention is focused on the only four teams that really matter in the East: Miami, Chicago, Orlando and Boston. Coverage of the Miami Heat initially dwarfs coverage of the reigning champions, prompting ESPN to run a series of painfully non-ironic features about whether the sports media cares too much about the Heat. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade & Co. continue to play very good basketball but do not dominate the opposition. In every nationally televised game, LeBron wears the “What should I do face” anytime one of his teammates besides Wade asks for the ball. The Celtics go 12-3 to start the season before Kevin Garnett injures his knee and has season-ending microfracture surgery. The Magic emerge as a quality squad, but inconsistent shooting prevents them from overtaking the Bulls as the greatest threat to LeBron’s title hopes.

False rumors that Magic center Dwight Howard loves L.A./Boston/Atlanta cause Orlando’s backup point guard to challenge Howard’s commitment to the team on Twitter. Howard commits himself to leaving Orlando, and starts making actual comments about how he loves L.A./Boston/Atlanta. The Magic implodes right before the All-Star break, and ESPN publishes 10 columns about how Howard is overrated.

The Bulls play amazing defense in the beginning of the season, despite playing Kyle Korver for 20 minutes a game at shooting guard. Fortunately, KG’s injury has ruined the Celtics’ chances, freeing up guard Ray Allen to be traded to the Bulls. The Bulls part with Omir Asik and Korver but get a heavily protected draft choice along with Allen from the Celtics. Boston talk radio demands Celtics president of basketball operations Danny Ainge be fired, and TV commentator Tommy Heinsohn leads an Occupy The Garden movement.

The movement fails when the weather gets cold but not before Bill O’Reilly runs a segment on why “the folks” should side with Celtics management.

Every other team in the East struggles to convince fans that they are worth watching. Knicks fans lose hope in Carmelo Anthony after his 1000th missed fadeaway jump shot and demand Chris Paul be traded to them for nothing. Spike Lee says Melo is overrated. A fight between the two emerges and Mayor Bloomberg astutely sides with Spike.

The Sixers continue their proud tradition of quietly losing money and barely making the playoffs. Charlotte owner Michael Jordan shoots two above par and the Bobcats lose in a way that is mathematically interesting but depressing to their fans. Anderson Varejao Bobblehead Night is the highlight of the Cavs season.

In the playoffs, the Heat capture the No. 1 seed and the Bulls take the No. 2 seed. People pretend that the Magic has a chance for a few days in the second round, but the Bulls beat the Magic in six. The Heat cannot withstand Ray Allen’s shooting and lose to the Bulls in seven.

An AP Photographer captures LeBron’s “What should I do face” and Chris Bosh’s “teary-giant face” in the same shot. Time magazine calls it the most humiliating photo of the year.