Column: A Thanksgiving miracle

Lois Anderson didn’t just run into the history books on Thursday afternoon — she high-stepped into them, scoring, as time expired, to lift her side to a much-needed victory.

On a day that saw the third largest family turnout of the century, Lois was the hero, and she knew it.

“A lot of the guys out here — my oldest son; our neighbor, Mr. Cunningham, who sometimes plays with us because his family isn’t around; the cousins from Iowa; all those bigger people — the spotlight was on them. No one believed in me apart from the people in my kitchen, and I just showed the world,” Anderson said.

It was a bizarre, high-scoring contest, with running yards at a premium. Teenager Eric Anderson, the winning team’s running back, thought all the passing was partially a result of field conditions.

“I mean, do I want to see a little more of the goddamn ball? Absolutely. I need my yards. I need to get paid. But at the same time you got to understand, there’s very little wind, the backyard is in poor shape, which eliminates my lateral quickness, and running plays never, ever work and are sort of lame. So yeah, just happy to get the win,” Anderson said.

The scoring opened with a long pass down the sideline from losing quarterback and loving husband Michael Anderson, hitting Jeremy Anderson in stride. Jeremy had been listed as questionable earlier in the week with a wisdom teeth surgery, and many, including Uncle Steve Anderson, were impressed with his toughness.

“[Jeremy] is a tough guy, no doubt. He’s a competitor. Monday it was, ‘Mom, it really hurts.’ Tuesday it was, ‘Mom, please do something to help the pain.’ But come game day, he shows up. To see a guy rally like that ... you want to go to war with a guy like that. Besides, he was stoned out of his freaking mind on Vicodin,” Anderson said.

A theme of the day for both teams was a lack of blocking, as their respective offensive lines struggled to contain the varied and frequent blitz packages.

“I’ve got to do better — bottom line,” said Rick Anderson, who was the losing team’s aging offensive line. “The team expects better of me, and I expect better of myself. But it was five-Mississippi and then bam! They were saying it really fast. They were unleashing the hounds. I’ve got a bad knee, you know? We might need a second blocker next year.”

The losing team tied it up late on a screen pass to four-year-old Jessica Anderson, who rumbled untouched through the secondary.

“It just goes to show talent isn’t everything. [Jessica] is wily. She’s got a mind for the game. She’s 3 feet 1 inch, 32 pounds but she uses every inch. She’s got a great wingspan. She’s fucking adorable,” mother Carol Anderson said. “Coming into this they said she wasn’t fast enough — she ran a 23.8 forty — but she’s got deceptive speed in the open field. I’m so proud of her.”

Others were less impressed. “That’s such crap. I understand it’s important to build self-confidence, but the game was on the line, and someone needed to take her down,” former permanent quarterback Michelle Anderson said. “I want to be permanent quarterback like how I used to be,” she added.

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Jessica’s touchdown only served to set up the game’s dramatic finish, however. Winning quarterback Miles Anderson described how he drew the play up.

“I just told them what I had been telling them literally every time we huddled. It’s a play we diagrammed in the off-season called ‘Everybody Go Long,’ and we tend to run it 25 or 30 times a game,” he said. “Lois managed to get open. The throw felt good — I played football in high school.”

Lois’ catch came in the middle of the field and, with one man to beat, she used her trademark stiff arm to get into the clear. From there, “it was nothing but daylight,” Anderson said. She samba’d in the end zone to celebrate.

Trevor Anderson, who missed the tackle on the play, took issue with the refs.

“I love Grandma, but she’s fucking blind. It’s two-hand touch, and I got both hands on Lois. Just a shame to see such a hard fought game come down to a blown call,” he said. “That being said, we as a team need to put ourselves in a position to win regardless of what the refs think. We had plenty of chances to come away with a W, and we didn’t come through.”

Grandma Ref dismissed any complaints. “What?” she said. “What?” she went on to say. “Oh, I just hope everyone had a nice time.”