Ask Alexis: Finding Love at the OBB

Dear Alexis,

I’ve heard that historically people have met their future husbands/wives at the Orange and Black Ball. This sounds like a lot of pressure. How can I find the man of my dreams on Friday?

Sincerely,

— Wanna Get Hitched

Dear Hitched,

The reason that so many people fell in love at the Orange and Black Ball in years past is because it used to be sponsored by The Daily Princetonian. We know all about romance. Ever heard of “Princest”? Neither have we.

Back in the day, when the Orange and Black Ball was in its prime, it consisted of a bunch of weird, dorky Princeton dudes calling (or telegraphing?) the only girls they knew to come and awkwardly slow dance and drink punch. Actually, it’ll probably be kind of like that this year. I know I’ve gotten more than a few telegrams asking me to the ball.

The best way to find a man is to draw as much attention as possible to the fact that you’re a single girl looking for a guy. Generally, the simplest way to project your singlehood is to dance alone in the corner or to cry loudly on an eating club’s couch. The venue for the Orange and Black Ball will be a little larger, so you’ll have to be grander with your tactics.

Choreograph dances to all of Super Mash Bros.’ songs in advance, and impress all the boys with your amazing skills. Keep it sexy. Do lots of dips, hip swivels and shimmies. Be aggressive with your moves. Take it from Beyonce: “Ladies if you love your man, show him you’re the flyest. Grind up on it girl; show him how you ride it.”

The OBB is going to be in Dillon, so if you’re looking for a meathead with no friends, go downstairs from the festivities and you’ll find a weirdo who can deadlift you and all your friends. Get some on the stretching mats; just make sure not to wear shoes.

Try wearing something that both makes you stand out and shows that you’re ready for action. Ever seen those prom dresses that are half mesh? Or maybe a mini skirt and a leather jacket. The look you’re going for is “sassy, sad and ready to party.”

Since it’s called a ball, consider going for a full-on Cinderella look. Huge gown, glass slippers, the works. You’re sure to find a true romantic in a get-up like that. Or at least you’ll find a gay guy who admires your taste in shoes.