How I Met Your Mother: Princeton Edition

Lights up on Wu Dining Hall at dinnertime. Four friends sit around a table. It’s Saturday evening and dark outside. Two of the friends, Violet and George, are a couple and sit together on one side of the table. Opposite them is Stephanie, who once dated Ned (off screen), but broke up with him months before; both decided that they had too much work and that neither was ready to commit to a long-term relationship. At the end of the table is Swarley, who wears a suit. The tables around them are full of students, and in the background is the gentle hum of dining hall conversation.

Ned enters. Ned [excitedly]: I’ve found it!

All: What?

Ned: Where they go. Where eligible single women go on Thursday and Saturday nights.

George [unamused]: Where, Ned?

Ned [as if proclaiming something of great importance]: TI.

George: You’re kidding, right? You think you’re going to find your future wife at TI? As in, home to “Giant Rat and Speedos night”? Not a chance.

Stephanie: They stole the giant inflatable anti-asbestos rat from Nassau Street?

Swarley: It was legendary.

Cut to a loud dance floor — the basement of Tiger Inn. A giant inflatable rat is positioned at one end. Swarley stands next to it, in a Speedo FastSkin swimsuit with a spandex tie. A drunk bro in a Viking hat charges the rat, yelling “I am Rodenticide!” As he collides with the rat, the horn on his helmet punctures it and it flops over on its side, air escaping through the hole.

Cut back to Wu.

Swarley: The Borough police told us we had to replace the rat. He takes out a mug with a picture of a rat on it. Care to donate?

Ned: No thanks. Look, come to TI with me. What else are you all going to do tonight?

Violet and George: We’re going on a double date.

Swarley: Lame.

Ned: No, you’re not. Come to TI with me.

Swarley [cutting him off, rising to his feet, and grasping Ned by the shoulder]: Ah. El Tigre: Where drunken dreams come true. Women are smart, bouncers are good-looking and all the bros are above average.

Stephanie: I can’t. I have to work tonight.

George: At WPRB? There’s a Saturday night news segment at WPRB?

Stephanie [glumly]: Yeah. I’ll be up later than a moose and a whippoorwill wandering through a Tim Horton’s on Victoria Day.

Ned: That makes no sense.

Stephanie: It’s a Canadian expression. And hey, at least I get fan mail now aboot my program.

George: Fan mail? Who sends you fan mail?

Cut to the WPRB studio in the basement of Bloomberg. Stephanie is typing on her laptop, preparing the news, when the station manager pokes his head in.

WPRB Manger: Stephanie. Mail for you. He hands her a stack of letters.

Stephanie [excitedly]: Fan mail? For me?

She opens the first letter and reads aloud:

“Dear Stephanie. My name is Ralph, and I’m serving a five-year term in New Jersey State Prison for grand theft auto. I have insomnia, and when awake at night, I while away the hours listening to your dulcet tones...”

Confused, she opens another letter.

“Dear Stephanie, my name is Ernest, and I’m on year three of a 15 year prison sentence for selling crack to minors...”

Disgusted, she throws that one away as well. Flipping through the stack, she sees that all but one have prison return addresses. She opens the last.

“Dear Sir/Madam, Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce and Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum of $47,500,000.00 into your accounts.”

Dejected, she throws down stack of letters. Cut back to Wu.

Stephanie: Fine, fine. It’s all from prison inmates. But I still get letters.

George: And what’s the lead story tonight? Two black squirrels spotted outside Frist?

George and Violet high-five.

Stephanie: Very funny. But you’re going on a double date? Who with?

Violet: Um, well, no one so far.

Stephanie: Why’s that?

Cut to Violet in an art history lecture. A friend, Samantha, sits next to her. The lecture ends and both stand up to leave.

Violet: So George and I are going on a date tomorrow night at Sakura. Do you and Dan want to come?

Samantha [disgustedly]: A date? No. Absolutely not. Dan and I aren’t dating. We have an open relationship that frees us from the constraints of society’s expectations.

Violet [gingerly]: What does that mean?

Samantha: We’re just hooking up.

Violet [to a passing girl]: Daphne, do you and your boyfriend want to —

Daphne [hurriedly]: Can’t. Whatever it is you’re asking me to do — I can’t. Too much work.

Cut back to Wu.

Violet: So maybe it’ll just be a single date.

Ned: All the more reason to come out. TI! Swarley, you in?

Swarley: No. I can’t.

Ned: Why? You love the Street.

Swarley: I have ... something to do.

Cut to Firestone. Swarley approaches the circulation desk with a massive pile of books. A pretty girl, Tina, sits behind the counter.

Swarley [as if trying to impress her]: I have a lot of books to check out.

Tina [uninterested]: Yup.

Swarley: Big thesis to write. I mean really, really big. Huge. Some would say enormous.

Tina: Sure. [She quickly scans his books and gives him his prox back.] Have a nice night.

Swarley [hopefully]: “Nice?” She thinks I’m nice!

Cut back to Wu.

Swarley: I have some work to do ... in the library.

Ned: The library? On a Saturday?

Swarley angrily: It’s important, okay?!

Ned: Fine, fine. Violet, George, you in? Let’s go. Come on.

Violet and George look at one another.

George: Well, I guess we —

Violet: — could have a date another —

Ned: Brilliant! Okay. Meet me there at midnight.

Cut to TI dancefloor. Loud music plays, and people dance — badly. Ned, Violet and George enter. George points to the bar and says something, but neither Ned nor Violet can hear him. Bro 1 approaches. He’s wearing what looks like a tree trunk.

Ned [to Bro 1]: What is this?

Bro 1: TREES AND TROLLS NIGHT.

George: What does that mean?

Bro 2: DUDES OVER 6 FEET: TREES. DUDES UNDER 6 FEET: TROLLS. IN 10 MINUTES, WE BRAWL.

Violet and George look at each other, uneasy.

Ned: Come on! This’ll be great. He walks off toward the bar.

Violet and George stand together. Another Bro, Bro 3, approaches.

Bro 3 [to George]: Yo. Dude. You affiliated?

George: Affiliated? What?

Bro 3: On a sports team, dude. Are you affiliated with a sports team?

George: No. Well, I played hockey in middle school.

Bro 3: Brown sticky stuff is about to hit the white spinny thing. You should get going.

Violet and George exit.

Ned struggles to get the attention of the bartender. As he does, two masses of people assemble behind him. One is painted brown, the other in troll costumes. A pretty brunette girl appears at the bar.

Girl [to Ned]: Hi.

Ned: Hi. I’m Ned.

Girl: Hi, Ned.

Ned: So what are you doing here?

Girl: Oh, nothing. [She smiles, wryly.] Just looking for my soulmate.

They talk, and as they do, a brawl begins behind them. Ned becomes aware of what is happening and turns around just in time to avoid Bro 4, who is dressed as a troll and heading his direction.

Bro 4 [producing a chainsaw]: Fell the trees!

Bro 4 loses control of the chainsaw, which falls onto his leg. It’s missing its chain and doesn’t cut his leg clean off but comes close.

In the ensuing chaos, Ned is swept upstairs; as he is, he tries to yell back to the girl from the bar.

Ned: But wait! I didn’t catch —

She disappears in the mass of people.

Cut to George and Violet, walking back toward 1879 on Prospect Street.

Violet: Well, that was useless.

George: I hope Ned’s okay. You know, [looking at his watch] it’s not all that late.

Violet: We could still have that —

George: Hoagie Haven’s open.

Violet smiles. Fade to black.

Cut to Firestone. Swarley approaches, carrying a load of books with titles completely unrelated to one another. He struggles to sets them down, and from behind them, a girl, not Tina, appears.

Swarley [confused]: Who are you?

Girl: I’m Michelle.

Swarley [panicked]: No! No! No!

Girl: Yup. I’m definitely Michelle.

Swarley: Where’s Tina?

Girl: It’s Saturday. She’s off tonight. And plus, she was transferred to the E-Quad starting Monday.

Swarley collapses.

Fade to black.

Charlie Metzger is a Wilson School major from Palm Beach, Fla. He can be reached at cmetzger@princeton.edu.