Column: An unorthodox plan for sprint success

To briefly review this season’s record, the Tigers have lost four games so far: 34-0 to Penn, 40-2 to Mansfield, 49-7 to Cornell and 57-13 to Army. By no means do I wish to focus on Princeton sprint football’s shortcomings. On the contrary, I would like to discuss a possible solution to the win-deficit.

For the sake of comparison, the football team has lost three of its four games: 34-22 to Lehigh, 34-9 to Bucknell and 28-23 to Hampton. Giving credit where it’s due, the Tigers earned a win over Columbia with a final score of 24-21.

After sleepless nights of deliberation and a simulated dialogue with John Madden, I hereby purpose that our relatively successful football team merge with our less successful sprint football team to form an all-weight-inclusive powerhouse.

To be honest, the merger would primarily benefit the sprint football team. Unlike Princeton football, which has experienced the rush of earning a win this season, the sprint football team has not done so since George W. Bush was inaugurated for his second term. To spare you the hypercomputation, it has been nearly six years since sprint football has actually won a game. On that great day in 2005, Princeton unleashed hell on the Virginia Military Institute, winning an unofficial contest 19-7. Thirty-seven games later, Princeton is still waiting for the sprint football team to replicate that performance.

I believe that the merger would revitalize a sense of hope for sprint football. Their losing streak poses a demoralizing obstacle, especially the 19 games during which Princeton never made it to the end zone. But there is a parallel to be made in history: Thomas Edison and his countless failures. Supposedly, and I’m trusting Google on this one, Edison failed 10,000 times, and he always rebounded. He had a support team, and what sprint football needs is a stronger support base. I believe that under the guidance of our functioning football team, our sprint football athletes have the potential to do what Edison did (although it should be noted that Edison was an inventor, not a football player).

For Princeton football, this merger has the potential to put our hardworking team back in the spotlight that it deserves. Princeton football has a unique place in history. Like the school it represents, our football team is known for revolutionary achievements: In 1869, Princeton played Rutgers in the first ever intercollegiate American football game, and, in 1869, Princeton was the first college ever to lose an intercollegiate American football game. On a more impressive note, Princeton has won more national football championships than any other college to this day, 28 in total. But only a fraction of Princetonians and non-Princetonians are aware of these notable truths. Somehow, we fell off the map, and in order to reposition ourselves, we must once again do something unexpected and extraordinary.