Street vs. Hoagies

Bloch:

I could not help but feel slightly pornographic, shamelessly posing for pictures as I devoured Bloch, a brick of a sandwich featuring eggs, crispy bacon and the most tender fried chicken parmesan I have ever had the fortune to inhale much too quickly. I doubted the sanity of anyone who would so bluntly mix breakfast and dinner staples. It's so wrong, but it felt so right. Besides the awkwardly runny eggs (ask for tomatoes instead to unclog your arteries), the sandwich was the perfect balance of home-style simplicity and absurd gluttony that we all love about H.H. Afterward, I rolled to Fruity Yogurt for a matcha and red bean boba tea. Passersby could probably hear my stomach rumble “WHY THE FUCK?!” all the way home. So go eat one immediately. Just do it slowly, and in the privacy of your own dorm room.

— Michael Becker

Cheese Omelet:

To not only entertain the idea, but to actually eat a "Body Bag" or "Heart Stop" complete with an arsenal of ingredients like juicy meat, blankets of cheese and fried starches requires a well-developed sense of masochism. But entering Hoagie Haven to eat as a vegetarian ostensibly reaches beyond the scope of your everyday self-harm to new landscapes of self-deception.

Upon entering, though you may be asking yourself existential questions (e.g., “Is there a God?”), the menu at Hoagie Haven is surprisingly accommodating. Having tried the cheese omelet hoagie myself, I can assure you that it is most definitely a sin. Greasy cheesiness blanketed both the eggs and the inconsequential vegetables in my sub. Translation: sweet, sweet annihilation. Intrepid vegetarians rest assured: You too can partake in the cholesterol-gasmic love banquet that is Hoagie Haven.

— Nick Ellis

Big Cat:

I had the Big Cat, composed of two hamburger patties, two fried eggs, onions, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, bacon, tomatoes and pain — so much pain. My first bite was an experience of zesty crunchiness with the soft, pleasant aroma of eggs in the morning. I was having breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time (which is fortunate because I neglected to eat anything beforehand). By the last inch of the sandwich my tongue had gone numb from the trauma, my esophagus was no longer working so I had to swallow each bite with Dr. Pepper, and I decreased my lifespan by about nine years. So obviously, I highly recommend this hoagie!

— John Parvin

Phat Lady:

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I am the Phat Lady. My french fries give way before the glistening enamel, joining my gooey mozzarella sticks in their journey down into the abysmal water slide. The real moneymaker soon follows: my delicious steak. Now all six inches of me are splashing into this mysterious hot tub. I can't even imagine trying to fit my buddy Sanchez in here. My beef is so much more slimming than his fried poultry, although I am jealous of his live-and-let-live hygiene practices. I wonder if some of the lovely ladies of Thomas Sweet would like to join me in here. I think I'll go ask the mint chocolate chip what she's doing.

— Trap Yates

Hamburger:

Eating a Hoagie Haven burger is not unlike eating an actual Haven hoagie: The meat will be overcooked and more notable for quantity than quality, everything in your mouth will taste like hot sauce no matter how much lemonade you guzzle and when it's all over, in the words of Michael Bluth, you will realize you've made a huge mistake. As I was chowing my way through the burger, though, I remember being quite pleased. The bun was toasted to perfection, the hot sauce worked well when tempered with ketchup and I had been given plenty of lettuce, tomatoes and onions. Having never eaten at In-N-Out, I have no way of knowing whether this was truly the Best Hamburger on Earth or Any Place Else, but now that I can breathe without feeling like a ticking gut bomb, I can say: it's not a bad alternative if you prefer your sandwiches without mozzarella sticks or fries.

— Emily Tseng

Body Bag:

I may be a Hoagie Haven regular. There was a period where I went to Hoagie Haven every week, and one time I even found myself there twice in one day. Still, I had yet to try the Body Bag until now. Having had a Phat Lady the night before, as well as a decently-sized omelet for breakfast, I wasn’t prepared for even more egg, cheesesteak and hot sauce (not to mention the Provolone and hash browns). Even so, the first few bites of the Body Bag were undeniably delicious. My only criticism taste-wise was that the Provolone added a little too much meat taste on top of the cheesesteak. Three-quarters of the way through the hoagie, I was overwhelmed. The fried goodness of the hash browns seemed to be weighing down my stomach and by the end, I felt pretty gross. My final verdict is that the Body Bag is a good choice for the truly adventurous visitor to Hoagie Haven. I’d recommend the Heart Stop for those who want the Body Bag experience with less bodily harm. And the Phat Lady for everyone else.

— Lolita De Palma

Heart Stop:

On Sept. 25, the city of Barcelona celebrated its final bullfight before a regional ban took effect. Another sacrifice was made for the last time as well: I ate a Heart Stop from Hoagie Haven. Eating the two eggs, cheesesteak, bacon and hot sauce (I added lettuce “for health”) seemed like an easy task. I’m no stranger to Hoagie Haven and have dispatched Phat Ladies and Sanchezes with ease, but the Heart Stop hits hard. The grease from the eggs and bacon weakens the integrity of the bread, while the cheesesteak attacks without mercy. And, with no fries or mozzarella sticks like those of its aforementioned relatives, the Heart Stop doesn’t give you a break from the meat until the last bite. Halfway through, the heartburn set in — and even when finished, I still felt defeated. In this bullfight, the real torero was the sandwich.

— David Drew

Wake Up Call:

A strange nervousness overcame me as I cradled the heft of steak, cheese, egg, bacon, hashbrowns, pork roll and golden brown bun that make up the Wake Up Call. Could it taste as good as it looked? The left (crease) side of the sandwich was about 80:20 breakfast:dinner, with the right (open) side the reciprocal. Venturing into the center of the sandwich was like spelunking the unknown, looking for answers to age-old questions like, "Which pork product will delight my taste buds in this bite?"

Conceivably, if you ate slowly enough and moved from left to right, you could knock out several meals with one of these boys. My favorite part about it, though, was that every piece added to the taste. With some sandwich combos, ingredients are added for the mere novelty of having, say, tacos or boneless chicken wings on a sandwich. In this case, every piece serves the larger good, and it served me well. I giddily staggered home with a sideache reminiscent of my old cross-country running days, ready to hibernate until it was time for another Wake Up Call.

— Matt Gwin

El Mexicano:

There are a lot of words to describe Haven’s hoagies. Gooey, fried and artery-clogging can go all around, but the word “crunchy” applies only to one delicious number: El Mexicano. Said crunch comes from the mini hard-shell chicken tacos in the sandwich — yes, tacos in a sandwich. But of course that’s not all. Add cheesesteak meat, sour cream and hot sauce to the mix and you’ve got the whole fiesta. I was skeptical taking that first crunchy bite of El Mexicano, but the combination ended up being a tasty one — just make sure to cancel all post-dinner plans and embrace your new food baby.

— Sara Wallace

Sanchez:

My arteries are clogging just looking at this sandwich. Why would anyone think putting french fries, mozzarella sticks and chicken cutlets on a sandwich was a good idea? I take the first bite and begin to chew. My gut reaction is to say that the Sanchez was disgusting, but after getting through a couple more bites, I'm starting to think, "Hey! This is actually pretty good!" I'm half done and now my stomach is telling me to call it quits. But no! Now this sandwich is addictive — it just tastes so good! So I keep eating. Asking for it "extra dirty" (with more special Sanchez sauce) was definitely the way to go. There is so much bread here that you need the flavor of the sauce to make the different elements come together. Just remember: eat the Sanchez quickly! Once the mozzarella sticks get to room temperature, the fun is all over.

— Lisa Fierstein

Mac Daddy

Have you ever reached the point where you are unsure whether you are about to burp or vomit? I hit that point about three-quarters of the way through the Mac Daddy. At first, the papa bear of all hoagies was exciting and challenging to ingest. I was both horrified and secretly thrilled at the sight of two burger patties, fried mac 'n' cheese wedges, french fries and hot sauce all rolled together in one sandwich. The first bite instantly hooked me, and I enjoyed every satisfying mouthful of cheesy, beefy, fried goodness ... until suddenly I didn’t anymore. What was left was the log of Mac Daddy sitting heavily in my upper ribcage, digesting ever so slowly. I would suggest the Mac Daddy to any adventurous eaters who also happen to welcome the challenge of heart disease.I’ll be visiting my cardiologist tomorrow.

— Abby Williams