Column: Gamer training with ‘virtual athletes’

Before I begin to ramble about my gaming experience over this past week, there are a few key facts I should put on the table. I am no gamer by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not even a computer person. I use a MacBook Pro. Like all Mac users, I am opposed to purchasing a PC, an opinion which, to my surprise, drew unrelenting mockery from the higher-level gamers. To put it simply, I did not have the necessary prerequisites for this sort of undertaking.

In a game like “Left 4 Dead,” unit cohesion is incredibly important because the gamers depend on one another to survive in the game. It is impossible to win without the assistance of teammates. This dependence made training all the more necessary.

Once I finished training offline, my gaming gurus and I made way for online battles. Because I only had about 12 hours of gaming experience by the time I started battling online, I was thoroughly dominated by gamers on multiple levels.

In the beginning, I could blame my poor gaming abilities on minor computer malfunctions. I used everything from “I think my mouse sensitivity is too low,” to “I have no idea why my computer froze when you needed me!” After about 20 minutes, I was out of excuses, and everyone knew I was, and always will be, a newb. But that didn’t stop me from playing for the rest of the night.

For those of you who are considering whether to take part in the virtual athletic culture on this campus, I have a few words of advice. Online gaming is incredibly difficult. By cultivating your skills offline for an extended period of time you will ensure that you are not embarrassed in the online competitions.

Next, stay away from the gamer whose username is “Pupsik.” He is insane, and you will never be able to match his skill level, no matter how many hours you practice. I’m convinced that he attends either Harvard or Yale and is still upset about being rejected from Princeton. In the event that you ever find yourself playing against Pupsik, run!

My final suggestion is going to offend gamers of all types, but I stand by it firmly. If you find yourself playing with a group of experienced gamers, each of whom is significantly better than you, try shooting your teammates’ characters when they are not paying attention. If they do not find out that you shot them, all of a sudden you appear to be a superior player to them because their health diminishes while yours remains the same. Also, when you lack the skill to even shoot an enemy, it is much more fun to shoot a teammate.

If they do find out that you shot them, then you are in trouble, as I was numerous times.

Even after playing hours of “Left 4 Dead,” I am still uncertain as to what motivates these virtual athletes. Staring at the computer screen hurts my eyes, clicking the mouse relentlessly tires my index finger and keeping track of zombies on the screen makes me dizzy.

All in all, I have trouble understanding why people would engage in such an activity for hours. But who am I to judge virtual athletes? I’m not even a regular athlete.