Column: Drafting a dodgeball ‘dream team’

What if the world’s best athletes decided to follow Princeton students’ lead and put aside their profession for the sake of dodgeball? What would be the dream team of professional athletes one could assemble to dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge their way to victory? In the spirit of this week’s event, Gavin and Kevin decided to find out.

Our rules: Each team can have only one player per sport. Sure, maybe a team of pitchers Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels would dominate, but what would be the fun in that? We will pick five-person teams, alternating selections. Gavin won the imaginary draft lottery, so he picks first.

GB: Kevin, I must be in a weird mood, because I’m about to do something extraordinarily unconventional for me: Make an obvious pick, and, not only that, make an obvious pick that is somebody I hate. I can’t stand the Philadelphia Phillies, but starting pitcher Roy Halladay has led his league in complete games and strikeout-to-walk ratio three seasons running. I can’t really imagine finding a better current mix of stamina, power and accuracy, the total package for dodgeball.

KW: Like Gavin, I believe that every team should be anchored by an ace who can throw a dodgeball through your skull, but I’m going to the other coast for my pick, defending World Series champion Tim Lincecum. The San Francisco starter has dominated the National League for the past three seasons, to the point where he led the senior circuit in strikeouts in 2010, and some saw it as an off-year. By all accounts, Lincecum is a fantastic athlete, the type that can walk onto any court or field and excel immediately. Plus, at 5 feet 11 inches in height, the diminutive righty makes for a smaller target than most top pitchers.

GB: I like the irony of Lincecum as a top pick when he looks like somebody who would be bullied in a dodgeball game, not one of its fiercest competitors. For my second pick, I’m going to return to the well, and by the well I mean Philadelphia athletes that I severely dislike, but I can’t resist the temptation of the most powerful combination of agility and arm strength in NFL history, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball, and if you can dodge a 260-pound, 4.5-running defensive end, maybe you can dodge a ball also. And we know Vick’s got a cannon. I’m very satisfied with my top two.

KW: While Gavin appears to be looking for the five guys who can throw the hardest, I’m going for a scrappier, more defensive team, and here I’ll make the first unconventional selection of our draft, looking at the sport the rest of the world calls football. I don’t believe kicking or punting is allowed in dodgeball, but the player I want uses his hands: U.S. National Team goalkeeper Tim Howard. No athlete has better reactions than a goalie, and Howard is one of soccer’s best; he has the reflexes and the hands to catch out Gavin’s flamethrowers. Also, if you’ve ever seen Howard’s long outlet throws, you know he has a powerful and accurate arm. Just ask Algeria.

GB: Kevin thinks he’s thinking outside the box with Howard, but he has no idea of the surprises I have in store for him in the last two rounds. That said, I do recognize the need for players with good reflexes and hands, even as I’m trying to blow Kevin out with blazing power. For my third pick, I’m looking for cat-like quickness, fabulous court vision and big hands that will be as big a help catching dodgeballs as they are a hindrance shooting free throws; in other words, I’m looking for Boston Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo. The streak of taking only players on teams I hate continues! Plus, we know that Rondo is best when he can set up good teammates, playing much more of a defensive role and handing the haymakers to Halladay and Vick.

KW: I too am looking for a point guard, hoping that he can target his pinpoint passes onto opponents’ bodies. Rondo is a nice pick, but I prefer someone who won’t disappear in the second half of the season. Now that he’s healthy again, New Orleans Hornets point guard Chris Paul is just as quick, just as accurate and twice as awesome as Rondo, so he makes my team. Mostly because I really have a man-crush on Chris Paul.

GB: I promised that I would start making some weird picks, so here they come. What sport resembles dodgeball more than team handball? Not that many, I dare say. And in this era of information, I can find things on Wikipedia such as the fact that no player in the 2011 World Men’s Handball Championship came within 10 goals of the 68 posted by 23-year-old Danish left back Mikkel Hansen. Hansen is 6 feet 4 inches tall, weighs over 200 pounds and can throw a ball with deadly power and accuracy. And that’s all I know about him. Rather than stick to American athletes in less applicable sports, I’m using my fourth pick on Hansen. Top that, Whitaker.

KW: Let’s go back to the gridiron. While conventional wisdom says you should take a quarterback with a cannon, I’m going in a different direction. Sure, Vick is tremendously athletic for a passer, but compared to wide receivers his agility would be average at best. Check out these numbers: 22-for-27, 323 yards and a 156.1 rating. Those are the career passing stats of Pittsburgh’s Antwaan Randle El, who has also been quick enough to play wide receiver and return kicks in the NFL for nine seasons. The dude can throw, and he’ll probably be the fastest player on the court.

GB: As I look over my four players, I like what I see: Three of the hardest throwers I can think of and a point guard with huge hands. I could go the goalkeeper route for my last pick, I suppose, but what about someone whose job it is to avoid contact as much as possible? Seems such a person could be pretty useful on a dodgeball court, especially if he were very small, very powerful and almost impossibly agile. In other words, I’m rounding out my roster with boxer Manny Pacquiao. His job will be primarily to draw throws at him, dodge them, and pass the ball off to the gunners in the back. But every roster needs someone like that.

KW: And I just lost $50 on a side bet that Gavin would take a cricket player. Continuing my theme of scrappy athletes, I’m going to round out my team from a favorite sport of mine. Nobody faces dodgeball-size projectiles at close range more frequently than volleyball players, and according to a cursory Internet search, one of the world’s best is Giba, an outside hitter for the Brazilian national team. He has the reflexes necessary to make my team difficult to hit, and imagine this: Paul throws an alley-oop pass across his side of the court to a leaping Giba, who swings and spikes the ball down onto an opponent’s noggin. It would be a risky play, but I can’t think of anything more intimidating than that.

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GB: I did consider cricket players, but I figured that the bowling motion is actually pretty different from what we want in this game. And Kevin, if you want to leave Giba undefended in the air against Halladay and Vick, be my guest. Halladay, Vick, Rondo, Hansen and Pacquiao — a formidable combination of power and speed. Can’t think of anyone who could beat those guys. Well, maybe the ‘Prince’ sports team.

KW: And I’ve got Lincecum, Howard, Paul, Randle El and Giba. Which team would win? The only place to settle that question is on the court tomorrow.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have some phone calls to make.