1. Carolina Panthers — Cam Newton, quarterback.
2. Denver Broncos — Tim Tebow, again.
3. Buffalo Bills — John Pardon ’11, Valedictorian, as they’ve been suffering from a lack of intelligence on defense.
4. Cincinnati Bengals — Ken Jennings, Jeopardy champion. The Bengals are looking for a wide receiver, and will make the sad mistake of confusing Ken Jennings for Greg Jennings. Ken will fail to put the team on his back.
5. Arizona Cardinals— Trade pick along with a ham sandwich, brick, wood, a Chipotle franchise in South Boston, a kiln and rights to the song “Forgot About Dre” to New Orleans Hornets for Chris Paul ... Hornets will select point guard Kyrie Irving to replace Paul.
6. Cleveland Browns — Will forget to come to the draft.
7. San Francisco 49ers — Prince Amukamara, cornerback. The 49ers should take Patrick Peterson, but Prince Amukamara is a way cooler name.
8. Tennessee Titans — Nick Fairley, defensive tackle. There will be better players on the board, but the Titans have had the “He’s a Fairley good pick” joke set up for far too long to back out now.
9. Dallas Cowboys — Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, situation.
10. Washington Redskins — J.J. Watt, defensive end. Watt has been praised for his electric defensive end play and ability to power a lightbulb.
11. Houston Texans — Saruman the White, wizard.
12. Minnesota Vikings — Blaine Gabbert, quarterback. Gabbert probably would have been drafted earlier, but every other team remembered that his name is “Blaine.”
13. Detroit Lions — Spartacus, Roman slave
14. St. Louis Rams — No, we drafted Spartacus!
15. Miami Dolphins — We drafted Spartacus!
16. Jacksonville Jaguars — Mike Pouncey, offensive lineman. “Pouncey” is actually just a nickname that signifies how much Mike loves pouncing on people. He is a Jaguar, after all.
17. New England Patriots — Trade pick to Kansas City Chiefs along with three hooded sweatshirts for first round pick, second round pick, third round pick, fourth round pick, Excalibur, two tickets to “Mamma Mia” and the soul of Dwayne Bowe ... Kansas City will select Ron Burgundy, anchorman.
18. San Diego Chargers — Dwight Freeney, defensive end. They will then be told they aren’t allowed to draft players who already play for other teams, will regret allowing Philip Rivers to be selected in the 2010 draft by the New York Jets.
19. New York Giants — Natalie Portman, linebacker, because how can anyone resist Natalie Portman?
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Darren Sharper, one of the most hardest hitting safeties in the league.
21. New England Patriots (from Kansas City Chiefs) — Trade pick back to Kansas City Chiefs for 2012 first round pick, 2013 first round pick, 2014 first round pick, 2037 third round pick, Rajon Rondo, two bottles of Elmer’s Glue, Indiana Avenue and an entire wheel of cheese ... Kansas City will select Brooks Reed, linebacker, who won’t be able to deal with life after Shawshank State Prison and will quit the team.
22. Indianapolis Colts — Snuggles, cocker spaniel. General manager Bill Polian will later be criticized for letting his granddaughter make his draft selections.
23. Philadelphia Eagles — Unable to choose among the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, the Eagles will run out of time and forfeit their pick.
24. New Orleans Saints — Saint Paul, running back. This pick will come as a great dismay to his future backfield mate Saint Peter, as the Saints immediately give all of Peter’s salary to Paul.
25. Seattle Seahawks — Kevin Durant, small forward. If he can’t play for the SuperSonics, at least he’ll be in Seattle.
26. Baltimore Ravens — Ras-I Dowling, cornerback. This is the real name of a player in the draft.
27. Atlanta Falcons — Han Solo, linebacker. Who better to pilot the Falcons in the new millennium?
28. New England Patriots — Trade pick to Kansas City Chiefs with two copies of the Arcade Fire album “The Suburbs” and a box of “Cracklin’ Oat Bran” for 2015 first round pick, 2016 first round pick, Matt Cassel, 2017 first round pick, the Great Barrier Reef, a grand piano and Jamaal Charles’ house ... Kansas City will select Mark Ingram, running back, who will immediately contract mumps and be ruled inactive for the 2011 season.
29. Chicago Bears — Whoever they pick, it will be just right, neither too hot nor too cold.
30. New York Jets — Steve Carell, defensive tackle, revealing the real reason Carell left “The Office.”
31. Pittsburgh Steelers — Won’t get to make their pick, as Kanye West will renege on his promise and actually not let them finish.
32. Green Bay Packers — My senior thesis, so somebody will take it off my hands. Ugh.
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