Quizzical pursuit

This weekend, however, I broke my taboo and took every political quiz on Facebook that I could find. Here’s what happened.

Besides accidently selecting the Liberal Democratic Party of Japan, I’ve never put that much thought into the Facebook’s “Political Views” section, though I’ll glance at what new “friends” have written to weed out the crazies. But how should you actually pick the right label to brand your profile? Despite my academically feigned interest in political philosophy, I found myself stumped. What does Facebook-liberal or Facebook-conservative actually mean? Looking for guidance, I realized that the word “Conservative” on a friend’s Facebook profile was a link to the appropriate and probably peer-reviewed Wikipedia entry. There I learned that conservatism was the political philosophy that developed in opposition to the French revolution. Who knew? I (generally) oppose slaughter by guillotine, so I must be a conservative!

Loving the thrill of racking up political ideologies, I began taking every political Facebook quiz I could find, starting with the popular and unbiased “World’s Shortest Political Quiz,” produced by the apolitical educational group Advocates for Self-Government. I decided to give it a go because, at 10 questions, it would take me fewer clicks than ordering a turkey bagel sandwich at Wawa.

Are you against broad government censorship? You’re a libertarian.

Are you against “corporate welfare” and “handouts to business”? You’re a libertarian.

After 10 totally-not-leading questions, I suddenly realized the truth: I am a libertarian! Give me an incredibly specific definition of liberty, or give me death! Only once I had purchased several celebratory “Don’t tread on me” flags and an M16 (for hunting — damn squirrels) did I realize the true brilliance of these quizzes.

Take these quotes from GoToQuiz.com’s “Political Spectrum Quiz”: “If our leader meets with our enemies, it makes us appear weak,” and “It makes no sense to say ‘I’m spiritual but not religious.”

Rather than determine which beliefs are actually liberal or conservative, which would be really hard, the quiz-makers take ideas that many people who call themselves liberal or conservative already believe and see if you already believe them too. Supporting health care reform must be liberal, because liberals did it. Have a feeling that it was too liberal? You must be conservative. What makes that position conservative? Conservatives think it!

Works for me. I like my logic like I like my chocolate chip cookies: circular and half-baked.

But how much good can correlations and cultural predispositions do? Surely asking whether someone identifies more with Liz Lemon or Jack Donaghy on “30 Rock” is more appropriate for a first date than a political quiz; don’t some of these questions actually have right answers?

That’s when I made a life-changing discovery. Between “Agree” and “Disagree” lay that quiet third option which had escaped my attention — “Maybe.” Should you support subsidies for clean energy? Only if warming is anthropogenic and preventable. Should government welfare be replaced with private charity? Only if private charity provides a sufficient safety net and doesn’t prove to be countercyclical.

“Eureka,” I thought. If I put “Maybe,” for every single question, I can’t be wrong! Eagerly awaiting my political prognosis, I submitted my answers to several more quizzes. The readouts told me what I should have known all along: I am a centrist, too much of a free thinker for any party, too cool for those fashionable “positions.”

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Want to be a centrist, but still hold strong opinions? Be against social welfare, but for corporate welfare. Oppose a social safety net, but make up for it with high protectionist tariffs. Support both gun control and gun ownership. PoliticalQuiz.net thus provided me with crucial insight: Centrists must either be apathetic or completely schizophrenic.

Silly philosophers — trying to base your positions on logical analysis of reasoned first principles. You’re doing it the wrong way: Start with some gut positions on random issues and then pick a political label to call your answers. Watch me do it in only three questions:

You run out of Fourth of July fireworks for your freedom barbeque, but the only way to get more from Mexico (that’s where the extra awesome ones are) is to temporarily leave the border-fence-door ajar, allowing three conga lines of illegal immigrants into the country. What do you do?

Would you get an unnecessary abortion for a 30 percent lifetime discount at Trader Joes? (The sulfur-free chili dried mango slices would be only $1.40 per bag.)

A train from Milwaukee and a train from Atlanta are heading towards each other at 70 mph. Where’s Obama’s birth certificate already?

Hopefully, with my help, you have embarked on a new journey of, if not political discovery, certainly self-discovery. I wish you the best of luck.

Allen Paltrow is a freshman from New York, N.Y. He can be reached at apaltrow@princeton.edu.