Letters to the Editor: January 12, 2011

My friend was carrying a heavy bag of corpses down the Street. When I offered to help her with it, she opened a can of whoopass on me. I don’t like her or her boobs. Maybe if she weren’t so fat we would get along better. How do you speak to someone who has their own area code? I think there are two types of students on this campus, those who I offend and… wait, I guess that’s it.

Mendel Davidsohn ’12

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How dare the ‘Prince’ publish the above letter? Instead of objectifying women, the ‘Prince’ should be using this space to promote me and my activities. That said, I am holding a pornography screening this afternoon at 4 in Frist. There will be a repeat 12 hours later. If you want to attend please hide under the welcome desk. Bring hummus. I also want to announce the creation of a new language table, Let’s Stalk Czechs.

Ahfeelya Thighsin-MyToe ’11

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The earth is warming by .38 degrees every 527 days. Soon the earth will be 12.4 degrees warmer! This is why you should join me in my new diet, in which I only eat sneakers. You should also spend a day at the beach instead of doing your work. You’ll be so much more productive when you return because you’ll have a deadline in two hours! Then learn a language nobody speaks. You’ll thank me when the environment is destroyed and we all need to move to 18th century Poland.

Giriam Meronimus ’12

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Yesterday evening as I was preparing for the Sabbath, I noticed a bearded man peering into my window. I had just gotten back from Israel so I was a little jetlagged, but I checked to see who it was. It was Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke! How proud was I to be in such esteemed company! And in his lap was former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey! Did I mention I am Jewish?

Ahron Applbaumschimowitz ’14

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I am a sophomore.

I’m a male sophomore.

I’m a nerdy male sophomore who likes to talk to my dogs.

Needless to say, God help me.

But the truth is that my dogs are so cute — yes you are, yes you ARE — that I think the ‘Prince’ should run a column about them.

The only problem that Palmer, Annabelle and I have is that they don’t like when I smoke in their faces.

The smell of smoke really bothers them and it’s possible that they’re suffering from unhealthy side effects.

But who cares? I have the right to smoke whenever I want, wherever I want.

My dogs will just have to suck it up.

Reses Pieces ’13

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Blond female virgin, 5’6”, from Catholic school, extremely pretty

(Did I mention how pretty I am?)

Seeks fellow FEMINISTS.

(Oh, does that shock you?)

Boys need not apply. Don’t even go there.

Or there.

Caroline in the Kitchen ’14

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I left my bike out in the rain and now it is rusty. Scowl. Click. Hmph. My mom doesn’t like my major. There are too many empty chairs in this classroom. Look. Survey. Sigh. Why can’t I buy Gatorade with Paw Points? SCORE is SO SLOW. Inspect. Examine. Scowl. We need some courses in useful things, like playing chess. And nobody cares that it’s Christmas!

Komplanin Kelsey ’13

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Tulare was founded by the Yokut people, who build reed boats and spent their days fishing in the lake. Now it contains my favorite tacqueria where my team and I go eat after workouts. Just down the main street from my house, I can see empty cups rolling along the canal. If you leave my house from the back door, you can get to a gas station and the general store. Click here for a map. Unless you’re in Tulare, and reading this on buffalo hide.

I get excited when I come to Princeton because the University has water, ‘lectricity, and telephones. And e-mail instead of Pony Express. Hi Ma and Pa, hope you see this in six months when the paper reaches you. Send me a telegram someday!

Joey Cutiepie ’12

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Crossedoffher Groin ’12

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Regarding "Getting in: Athletes' road to admission" (Wednesday, Dec. 1, 2010):

Don't hate the player, hate the game: It is not MY fault as a Princeton lax alum that girls sweated me, I crushed it on the dfloor, and I destroyed a little property.

It's not MY fault. It is the nature of the school. The real reason the faculty are upset is because everyone on campus looked up to people like me and my lax buddies more than they looked up to some professor who has spent his entire life studying some worthless sociology theory about why Brokeback Mountain is the most critically acclaimed motion picture of the century.

Here's a research question for all you outraged faculty members:

You have the option to go to lecture and fall asleep, get a good 20 minute nap in before some nerd interrupts the class to spell out a point that is painfully obvious to the 300 other people in lecture - this is not a most enjoyable experience.

Second option: go to Joe Canal's, buy a 30 rack of natty light, post up in the 1952 parking lot and drink that 30 rack. Then, enter the men's lacrosse game vs. Syracuse and watch your friends/idols on the lacrosse team take it to the orangemen... This, of course, would be followed by the opportunity to buy those same lacrosse players drinks at Winberry's after the game.

Option 2 sounds like a much more enjoyable experience.

My suggestion/theory/axiom: Outraged faculty members - go sip on a little brew and relax your belts that are jacked half way to your nipples. Let your belly button breathe. Switch your glasses for contact lenses. Then, maybe someone will start coming to your lecture!

For now, I'm gonna go crush it at my day job.

Lax Bro '06

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.