This has, thankfully, never happened to me. (In this case, consider changing “I” to “you.” For example: “You are jogging down Witherspoon Street, late into the night. You feel a slight but pleasant chafing in your well-formed legs. Suddenly, you hear footsteps behind you. A passing car illuminates a long shadow …” etc. Alternatively, consider rewriting rest of column as if you were mugged. Rhetorically this may be your best bet.) I am far too enmeshed in the Orange Bubble to have undergone this experience. However, I feel like such an encounter will open both doors and eyes for Princeton students.
Ask yourself: when is the last time you ever ventured, really ventured, outside the Orange Bubble, physically or psychologically? I don’t mean taking that trip to Panera. (Good use of “that” to create implied familiarity.) I mean doing the real things - getting pregnant and really, actually wanting to, only realizing a few months later that you don’t actually want to at all. Facing the dilemma of blackmailing your boyfriend into paying for it or stealing the $50 yourself. Diving into dumpsters, not to feel good about yourself or change the world but just because you’re hungry. I have tried none of these things, but if I did I would be a better person than you are, you in the Bubble.
As I have explained in the above, I have not acted on my suggestion. However, in my more adventurous moments I have taken time away from studying, job interviews and success to indulge in more lighthearted experiences. My favorite among these is performing somersaults on Carnegie Lake. (Please find a way to connect this to mugging.) Of course, such activities are only possible in winter, when the lake is covered by a 50-foot layer of ice; but I cannot help but feel like an acrobatic Jesus as I propel myself across the frozen water. It is in times like these that I ask myself: Am I really free? Have I really lived in the midst of the omnipresent pressures of status, wealth, problem sets and competition? Am I my trust fund, the PHS girls I nail and the lucrative job at the ‘Prince,’ or am I something even more? (Re: implied transgenderism, it’s best not to introduce issues that are not more fully fleshed out in the rest of the article.) I do not in any way intend to sound like I’m lecturing anyone, but so far, no one has joined me on the lake. So please contact me at princetonmasturbator@hotmail.com if you are interested in participating, and a picture and your home address. (This may be considered advertising, so we’ll have to consult our editor.)
This reminds me again of the deeper issue of theft and property at Princeton. (Thank you for adding transition.) Pretty much every day it seems like we get emails from the administration detailing some theft that transpired in someone’s dorm room. Which leads you to ask, who are these people? I bet it’s my “favorite” commenter AH haha? (Please replace question mark with exclamation mark or period and delete sentence.) And how often do you think, oh my God, I don’t see that many (Please rewrite this column)s on campus, it may actually be one of us?
What does this do for trust in the Bubble? Nothing good. After every email I sense a mounting atmosphere of hate. It reminds me of nothing if not the “swine flu” scare last year, during which I coated myself in hand sanitizer and slid underground to class. Social trust broke down completely. Darkness fell over the world. I learned that spontaneous combustion is possible if you are covered in alcohol and people are smoking nearby.
More to the point however, we may want to ask whether we really agree on what “theft” is after all. My near-mugging was indubiously a case of near-theft. But can you “steal” an idea? At this point my lawyers/student counsel have asked me to stop.
I don’t have time or space to propose solutions for this problem. All I can do is spell it out. We will have to look at a number of considerations as we weigh possible measures: Does it enhance diversity? Does it promote sexual health? Does it create a community of welcoming and closeness without encouraging rape? Clearly, the task ahead of us is a challenging one. But in the end, we all have to ask ourselves a simple question: Have I been mugged?
Sketchy Man can be found in Firestone Library. He can be reached at princetonmasturbator@hotmail.com.
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.
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