A message to assault surviors and their allies

Unfortunately, Zeller never disclosed details of his trauma, even to his close friends. According to Zeller’s note, he kept his history of sexual abuse a secret, eliminating any opportunity for adequate help or support.

In his note, Zeller expressed two reasons why he apparently chose not to share his pain with others. First, he said he was convinced that confidentiality would not be preserved. He wrote: “People don’t care about their word or what they’ve promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you.” He wrote that he also feared pity. He concluded that others would view him as “the damaged and contaminated person that I am.” Both of these fears are legitimate; often, people react irresponsibly and inappropriately to a disclosure of heavy and traumatic information. But sometimes they do not. And if a survivor reaches out to the right person, he or she can begin to face and conquer the type of “incontrollable rage,” insomnia and “darkness” that Zeller wrote about.

Zeller may have felt that he could not confide his story in others, but there are options available on campus for those who decide to discuss past or current abuse. The Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education program is a confidential resource for survivors or friends of survivors of sexual assault. Clinicians from Counseling and Psychological Services are available to counsel students, staff or faculty who seek help. Additionally, SHARE peer advisers are a group of 40 undergraduate students who are trained to listen to and support survivors in a confidential manner and provide information about options available to them.

Most victims of abuse, however, do not go to SHARE. Thus, it is the responsibility of every person in our community to provide their friends with a safe space to discuss their trauma. It is the responsibility of every person in the community to be the “right person” to talk to — one who will not break confidentiality or exude pity. If someone discloses to you that he or she is a survivor, it is important to keep these few points in mind.

1. Listen, believe and respect: Your role is not to investigate or judge, but to honor their courage and offer support. Accept their experience as their reality. Don’t try to assess the validity of what the survivor is telling you, criticize any of their actions or trivialize their experience.

2. Do not advise: Let the survivor decide how to proceed further. Sexual assault takes away a person’s control, and it is important not to re-victimize them by telling them that they have to or must do anything. Decisions about reporting to family members, friends or law enforcement should be made by the survivor.

3. Encourage them to seek help: You can encourage the survivor to seek medical care and support from a professional sexual assault advocate or counselor.

4. Tell them they are not to blame: No one, regardless of dress, level of sexual activity or choice to drink alcohol, deserves to be sexually assaulted. Questions of “Why didn’t you...?” can come across as blame.

5. Maintain confidentially unless there is a fear that they might be harmed: Keep their confidence. What they share should not be fodder for gossip or shared with others without their explicit permission. With that in mind, some secrets are too big to hold. If you have worries about your friend’s safety, err on the side of telling someone, like a confidential counselor or trusted member of the community.

6. Keep in contact with them if they are open to it: In most cases, survivors report that they find it helpful and feel relieved to know that you haven’t forgotten what they’ve shared. Other times it is important to respect their need for space.

Additionally, if you are a friend or confidant of a survivor, you do not have to go through this process alone. SHARE staff and peer advisers and CPS can guide you about how to respond to the person who is confiding in you.

Many in the community knew Zeller personally; others, who upon hearing about his passing or reading his note, will relate to the sense of pain, loss, anger and grief that he grappled with for so long and may even feel angry at Zeller for not letting them in. Yet we should recognize that many trauma survivors and other students struggling with the darkness of mental illness are able to make a different choice, one that places them in a community of support. It is important that our community know that sexual violence does not need to be kept a secret; no one should feel like they need to suffer alone in silence. There are people in SHARE, CPS and other medical services who can listen, help guide a healing process and work with survivors to help them repair their lives.

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Miriam Rosenbaum and Dana Weinstein are the co-presidents of the Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education program. They be reached at mrosenba@princeton.edu and dweinste@princeton.edu, respectively.