Finding Snooki at Princeton

And then I saw “The Social Network” and knew we were doomed for good.

It’s possible that Princeton will never again compete with Harvard. David Fincher’s film is the perfect college story, a 21st-century “This Side of Paradise.” And for all of the reminiscing of Princeton by F. Scott Fitzgerald ’17 in that story, his eating club anecdotes are not nearly as glamorous as Fincher’s scenes at the final clubs. Harvard can now claim not only our generation’s defining invention, but our defining movie as well (and no, Princeton’s “Transformers 2” moment doesn’t come close, even if it did have Megan Fox in it).

Meanwhile, “Gilmore Girls,” “Gossip Girl” and even “Boy Meets World” spent entire seasons glorifying Yale. The best we get are a couple of shout-outs from Alec Baldwin on “30 Rock,” and even that is tempered by another character whose entire role on the show is based on his Harvard degree. Adding insult to injury, The Huffington Post compared Princeton to Eminem earlier this year in its photo essay, “If Rappers Were Colleges.” Eminem? Eminem? To put it simply, Princeton isn’t in.

But I have faith in my university. Harvard can keep Mark Zuckerberg, and I don’t much care if Rory Gilmore chose Yale. Princeton has the potential for something way better than anything at our peer schools — the next Snooki. Yes, pickle-eating, fist-pumping, hair-bumping Snooki. And how will we get her? That infamous and mysterious as-yet-unnamed Princeton reality television show.

I probably wasn’t the only one a little bit surprised to find out that a production team was trying to make a reality show at Princeton. I was under the impression that reality TV usually involves hardcore partying, three-way make-outs, and general sexiness and debauchery. They should probably know: We’re not really a sexy or debaucherous bunch here at Princeton.

I must confess: It is one of my life goals to be in a reality TV show (right behind the slightly less attainable aspiration of having dinner with Kanye West). In the interest of full disclosure, I auditioned for the Princeton show and was not called back. And I’m still a little bit sore about it. It’s fine, though; I’m still pulling for “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Season 3.”

I recognize that my Princeton lifestyle is not exactly TV material. The sexiest I ever get is “bumping” and “grinding” to Hannah Montana on the Tower Club dance floor like the coolest kid at a bar mitzvah. (Just so everyone knows, I’ve been saving my real moves for Tila.) I also know, however, that there are plenty of people who party much more vigorously than I do. These students may not always know this week’s readings for class, but they certainly know how to have a good time. We owe them more credit; they are, indeed, the key to this university’s future.

Princeton has traditionally staked its reputation on the most studious among us, but that whole boy-genius routine is passe. What Princeton needs now is some ridiculous bar fights, love affairs and fake tans. We need a Snooki. We need that reality TV show.

Reporting on the show was sparse, and there hasn’t been much discussion since last semester. Most assumed the administration would never allow a film crew into lecture halls and dormitories, nor would eating clubs allow them in on weekends. But I hope the Princeton community will come to its senses and realize that this is our ticket to being one of the cool colleges.

And if that production team is reading, I would like to resubmit my application. I am willing and able to add a Bump-it to my Jew-fro and spend ample time at the tanning salon. I am committed to hairspray and eyeliner, day-drinking and hoop earrings. I long ago accepted the fact that I would never be the next Mark Zuckerberg, but I refuse to give up on my reality TV dreams. In a post-“Social Network” universe, perhaps Princeton should resign to its fate and do the same.

Brandon Davis is a sophomore from Westport, Conn. He can be reached at bsdavis@princeton.edu.