How to be a rebellious yet refined Princetonian

Disheartened by what I read, I called a meeting of my colleagues (both the Dos Equis guy and Bill Bradley ’65 were in attendance) to discuss some recommendations for undergraduates during their time here. While Brooks may think it’s important for college students to question authority, I know you’re not very good at that. So here’s what you should do:

1) Read outside of class. Read what you know nothing about. And by that, I mean: Marx, Chomsky, Stokely Carmichael, Marquis de Sade, Mumia Abu-Jamal and Paul Krugman. Not David Brooks. Never David Brooks. Never again.

2) Do stuff that is not allowed. I’m not going to say anything more than that. Don’t be stupid. Don’t get caught. The overall sweetness of the experience should justify the rule-breaking. Cheating in school is lame, FYI. Taking illegally acquired prescriptions (a traditionally cool activity) to do well in school is beyond lame. Wait until you’re in grad school.

3) If you want to be a knowledgeable person, read The New York Times every day and memorize the content of the articles. If you want to be an interesting person, read The New York Post every day and memorize the headlines.

4) Stop complaining about grade deflation. Grade grubbing does not equate with questioning authority. You didn’t get denied from that internship because of your grades; you got denied for attending a USG sponsored porn screening.

5) Play Cee-lo. If you don’t know what Cee-lo is, Google it during your next lecture.

6) Go on a road trip, either out West or down South. None of this: “Oh la la, let’s go to France and rent a Citroen. Bonjour, Monsieur Ananas.” This is America. This is God’s country. Freedom fries.

7) Go to CVS and buy some brown and black shoe polish. Polish those wingtips. This has nothing to do with being rebellious, but it’s classy.

8) Leave Princeton as much as possible. Try not to come back. Really, think about it: People might wonder where you are.

9) Keep a bottle of pinot noir on your mantle along with some tumblers. Extra credit: a bottle of scotch. No Johnnie Walker. The name has to be difficult to pronounce on your first try, like Laphroaig or Caol Ila. Don’t drink it; just keep it on the mantle. Double secret extra credit if you’re a freshman.

10) Drink espressos, preferably at night. No sugar. You can add a little milk if you wish (but not skim).

11) Refrain from weighing in on the inevitable debates between the Anscombe Society and sexually active people. Instead, have as much random sex as possible, and each time you reach climax, scream: “Take that, Brandon McGinley!”

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12) Room decor: Paint your room a color that will make most people gasp when they walk in.

If you’re going to buy posters, be selective. Yes, Jimi Hendrix is cool. So are works by Jackson Pollock and Andy Warhol. And the Vincent Van Gogh painting of the skull with the cigarette: gnarly. But there’s a reason these posters are all at the poster sale on campus. Do a little digging.

Keep a copy of Friedrich Nietzsche’s “Thus Spake Zarathustra” or Marcel Proust’s “In the Shadow of Young Girls in Flower” on your coffee table. You have a coffee table, right? It’s not necessary to read either of these books, but make sure to dog-ear the pages. When you bring a pretty girl back to your room to watch an Ingmar Bergman film, and she asks you about one of them, refill her glass of absinthe, then say, “Well, I’m interested in what you think.”

Keep a framed photo of Malcolm X on your desk.

13) Develop a semi-creepy, piercing stare, a la Benicio del Toro, so that when asked to describe you, the second adjective someone might use would be “brooding” (the first, of course, being “rebellious” and the third, no doubt, being “mysterious”).

14) Write your thesis on the real estate market in Florianopolis, Brazil. Apply for funding and get paid to go surfing for two weeks.

15) Assign a day of the week when you and your friends wear suits. When someone asks you why you’re dressed up, dismissively roll your eyes and say, “Grow up.” Then go back to your room and drink cocktails.

The road to being rebellious yet refined is a hard one. Two steps too far to the left and you might end up in a Thai prison. Too far to the right and you’ll wind up looking like Pete Campbell from the TV show “Mad Men.” Enjoy your time at Princeton. Remember: Raise hell, don’t get caught, and then gladly accept your place at the top of the heap.

Felipe Cabrera is a comparative literature major from Naperville, Ill. He can be reached at fcabrera@princeton.edu.